All Lies Kill: Words with Veronica 2007

Somewhere Between (Your Heart and Mine)

Merle Haggard

"Somewhere between your heart and mine

There's a window that I can't see through

There's a wall so high it reaches the sky

Somewhere between me and you

I love you so much I can't let you go

And sometimes I believe you love me

But somewhere between your heart and mine

There's a door without any key

Somewhere between your heart and mine

There's a window that I can't see through

There's a wall so high it reaches the sky

Somewhere between me and you

Somewhere between your heart and mine

There's a love I can't understand

It's there for a while then it fades like a smile

And I'm left in the middle again

Somewhere between your heart and mine

There's a window that I can't see through

There's a wall so high it reaches the sky

Somewhere between me and you"

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Hello,

Happy 52nd Birthday......It's me - Veronica. I am very happy and in great health. I need you to generally start/ stop /continue a dialogue with me to answer my many questions that have developed over the years. I kept a list of the many places we lived since I was born, I asked you to write this down for me and your memory was quite impressive you added many details with dates, special people, who you were dating/married to, my likes/dislikes, specific addresses and the such. I lost the list about 3 years ago. Could you please engage of a story or two.

Thanks,

Veronica

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I wrote:

Hello back to you!

Good to hear from you, Veronica. I too am very happy and in great health. I did have a cancer scare last year, but it turned out to be just a cyst that will come and go. The medical bills were outrageous, though. Before I divulge a lot of personal information, I just want to verify it is indeed you...I am sure that you will understand. I am delighted to hear from you, and I want to protect you and your privacy.

Please just answer one of these questions and then I can continue, because these are only things YOU would know...you are correct that I have an excellent memory. I hope I have given you that gift! Ok...here we go...they should be very easy for you.

What was the name of my friend in Woodstock?

What is my maiden name?

What foods did you drive me crazy to buy in BIG CANS?
Can you tell me the name of one of your dogs? ANY dog we had will do...ad the strangest name? (You named him/her)

I check my e-mail nearly everyday (except yesterday), so as soon as you write to me, I can go on...I will be unbelievably happy to share our past with you!!

If you wish, you can call me at 928-377-6749.

Thank you for the Happy Birthday greetings...

Mom

Hello,

I can not remember her first name - last name Warsing

Kafantaris

Mandarin Oranges

Sinead

Veronica

Ok, I will start out with the basics that you wrote on that piece of paper - you even had address's like ***** Bones road and phone numbers ..... I recall much of it maybe you can add on - reading the above, has now shown me that your a little rusty... maybe I remember more then I think.... but let's see

April 25 1975 born Alta Bates Hospital - Berkeley California - Tell me about the basics and what you remember about the day - where we lived, your place of employment, schooling and how you moved us from Sacramento to where, and the next place, and so on.

If possible, address the on and off again relationship with Ron and why you have decided he is or is not my biological father..... how did you meet him - through Julie right or Uncle John? What is the confusion about who my father is and why did you choose who you chose, was it an accident, not meaning you did not want me, but there is much confusion on your state of mind with choosing a suitor implies that you may not have planned for me...please explain your situation rising to the pregnancy.

I think that it would be best to start at the beginning and then catalog it that way so, we are not all over the place.

Veronica

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Ding!DingDing! Ding, Ding, Dong - you lose You WON!! You and you alone qualify to hear all about "YOUR LIFE". ROFLOL...otherwise known as "Tiny Baby Stories". I do not want to hear tiny baby stories - I asked for specific information - I will help drive this ship. There are a lot of both good and bad stories, we may remember them differently. I do not only want to discuss these stories but, find out about some other details as well.

I have some strong agreements that need to be in place before we go any further. It is important for you to know, that I do think about you, and that you have been a big influence in my life. I am a much better improved version of you and because of you I have many unique experiences both good and bad that help balance my own parenting and marriage choices. I often think when I come into a situation comparitive to yours, I think " what were you thinking?" or "I feel like I get it now" or I think " I feel empathy for you not being able to be stronger and make better choices " . I have flaws too, but mine are different then yours. I am indifferent to the idea of contacting you, but I think I will see how this goes.

I want you to be as truthful as you can be without blaming others for your own personal drama - We are all responsible for our own drama.

I will not take anything you say personal and vice versa there are times that we both were wrong and did things to create some really bad outcomes.

I want you to do your best at not interferring into my current personal life this means, I do not want any phone calls or visits from you. Please do not show up saying you will be my new neighbor - I do not want that. I do not wish to share any information about myself or any events that have happened since we last spoke, that goes for you as well, please do not share any current info about yourself, maybe we can get there in the future. Do not call people around me fishing for any details surrounding me, I know you know nothing of my whereabouts, however I wish that to be my own privacy. I know how "creative" you can be - please respect my privacy and I will respect yours. I wish to have this contact via e-mail - it is better then nothing. If there is something urgent or emergency then we will cross that bridge if needed.

Three days before your eighth birthday, when we lived in a big house in the evergreen foothills of San Jose. You went to a school that had classrooms called "pods". Whats the name of this school? That was when we lived in sebastapol?They combined first, second and third grades and that was very good for you because sometimes you wanted to interact with children older than you and sometimes you wanted to interact with those who were younger. I picked you up from school early on many occasions, sometimes (often) yes, Why is that? Did you ever get in trouble for picking me up or missing school so - much? to your dismay. We left the school and drove to the airport in San Jose and flew to Orange County to spend the next two days at Disneyland. Was I excited or just going with the flow? We checked into the Disneyland Hotel and you wanted to check out the arcade. You were happy because they had Frogger and the newspaper boy game Paper Boy was later, I played Food Fight there. The arcade was supervised It was not supervised but across from the hotel so you stayed there and I went up to the room. The next morning we went to Disneyland and mid afternoon, I became ill and had to go back to the room What was wrong, I don't remember? We tried going back to Disneyland the next day but I was feeling horrible and my new shoes hurt. You were such a sweet girl and said that you had been to Disneyland many times before and you just wanted to spend time with me in the room I do not recall that, I remember going to the sandy beach pool/lagoon to the right of the hotel not the regular pool to the left where grandmother worked at the coffee shop a couple years prior to her death or so you told me when we ate there - and swimming while you hung around. We had room service and you spent the evening in the arcade. You were a very trustworthy child for your age. I really don't remember the flight back! Me neither.

The BIG birthday surprise was when we came back home, in the dining room was the H-U-G-E Barbie Dream House that Susan she was dating Gino or Saeed? then you met Ivan - Where is he? put together in our absence. This happened at a later date when Ivan and us rented a house and moved from the triplex down from Tracy's dad - the next year - was when we lived in San Jose again and I wanted Tracy to spend the night and you said no, I was at her house and upset but when I arrived home the Grand Dream house was waiting You had your friends Tori and Charlie come over, the dad worked at IBM and you decided to to something with computers " Hart Microprocessors " then you guys all played in the hot tub. Then you had a birthday party and invited your whole class. Parents said I was NUTS!! Not everyone in your class came, but it felt like it. We had about a dozen Little Cesars pizzas and M&Ms you had us eat them with are hands behind our backs, it was fun. It was a madhouse...but we loved it, didn't we? I think you had a sleepover and about ten girls stayed...and you all watched videos and MTV all night.MTV was great, it was what I lived for back then At that house, did you slide down the stairs in your sleeping bag like you did at the other house? probably, mostly in Sebastapol.

Oh!! Another incident...do you remember that hamster that you lost and we heard a sound in the vent above the stove...and this puny, skinny, filthy little hamster fell out!? I still laugh when I think of that poor thing...do you remember the hamster ball he ran around in? I can't recall what the hamster's name was do you? Was he champagne? I think. That's when we lived in Anaheim in the Lynrose apartments 2950 Lynrose Drive # H3 ? Mrs.Smith right?

Love,

Mom

This next letter made me angry, hurt, resentful, hateful, and wanted me to stop the "relationship" immediately...

I would love to go through the details of the last message and make some corrections, but I won't. Please try and realize that I have gone through my twenties without my family too - we have that in common. But, I survived without any harsh judgements of anyone - it was a safe choice for me. The twenties are times that benefit many to work things out their own way. I never felt abandoned by you or left out alone. I can say that I went unsupervised often to the furthest degree but, not abandoned. So, I wonder where our history clashes like a war between dirt and water? The muddiness for me is left in my past sorrow for you not showing me a well balanced & structured upbringing. But, because of all the craziness involved I experienced so many memories that few will ever understand of even know exists. How special am I to have known the the stories you and I only share.... That has been the gift of my childhood. So, when I recall an experience or two - it is only my way of expressing my deepest love and curiosity of a past I really can not believe existed.

Here is what I have noticed about our interactions - I have questions and remember some things. I need answers ... you give some details some not.... many fueled with misunderstandings that eventually lead to a bitterness, jealousy, love, kindness, and egocentric responses. Each friendship or relationship you encounter sours at some point. Some for good cause - we all have those. But - most of the evidence shows, at least from your point of view (that's all I have to go by) leads me to think you hurt many people by making some pretty large assumptions or creating misunderstandings. You seem to always revisit the past by keeping sporadic tabs or contact with many- the comments made by you convince me that you pick on people and take many steps to point out their flaws - I think you were picked on and have felt alone most of your life. So that is what you have inside and therefore that is what you give.

I do not think you trust many people. You love with all your heart and your adventurous side wins people over. You are very charming on the surface. I love the ability you have to engage in something that is meaningful to you, to take a chance. Your infidelity with lasting friendships is something you are ambiguous about.

Your love for animals has always been in conflict with your relationships with people - you might very well choose them over your own. LOL - That's OK, for you.

With the good, bad and ugly out there, we will chug along with what many mothers and daughters work through. We will not be the first or the last to have these struggles. I will not give you any false hope. but, I will let you know that I will not leave you alone either.

I was told that you were pretty hard-shelled, not friendly and seemed as though you had your creativity blocked. You seemed like you were dealing with some turmoil inside. That was what I was told. You have always been bull-headed and opinionated but don't let that tear you up inside.

Just wondering who told you this? when? nothing to get upset about -

Ok, I think you will always move around - Ideas to move to Europe are a little grandiose. but, The last e-mail you wanted to start a grooming business with someone -

I thought I had to achieve the unachievable to be given kudos. I still believe that to some extent.

I want you to know that I don't blame Gary at all! Although he didn't parent me - He also did not abuse me either. I think the reason why your marriage lasted as long as it did is because he was gone for most of it plus you guys separated a time or two and saw other people. In my opinion You neglected each others needs - but, You beat him up a lot "mentally" I saw your abuse as a reflection of your inner turmoil - he had big self esteem issues too and you bullied him often, I actually felt sorry for him. I have zero hard feeling towards him. I hope he is well.

It's hard for me to talk to you about my family - right now. Nothing bad at all. I just want to establish some boundaries - I am very protective of my kids. I have to see about how I want to go about it. I know it's important to you as it is to them. They are very curious about you.

I know I will allow the relationship for you to be a grandmother to them, but not now. Please respect that. They have many other relatives and I have a surrogate mom that we are very close with. I am only telling you this because I want you to know I have had someone emotionally looking out for me - not to compete with. She used to watch Jon when he was a baby and she is very important to us - so, our relationship with others is all good. I used to be fearful of bringing in your energy close to me. But now because of the close bonds I have with my husband ( Jon - Yes we have been together for a long time ) and my children,friends, and family is why I feel secure in my place, myself and to begin this thread.

I was thinking today and I wanted you to know that your selection in food has greatly shaped my taste buds....

I love the smell of cilantro and I made my own Tabooli for the shop - The new owners do not.

I like to think back to when we stood in line for frozen yogurt at Penguins.

I like to think back to when we had ice cream at Thrifty's!

I like to think back when we went to Peter Pipers Pizza and I always requested Puff the Magic Dragon.

I like to think back to when we danced at the Greek restaurant.

I like to remember how you used to "tickle " my back - Brandon enjoys this too!

I like to think back when I had snails in the spare soom at Joseph's.

I like to think back when I had a rabbit living in my desk.

I like to think back to the pet rat I loved "Tommy"

I like to think back when I saw the Pig getting shot before school.

I like to think back to screaming out the window at people " Hubba Bubba Baby"

I like to think back to shopping at knob foods

I like to think back to attending school at Lord Baden Powell School In Anaheim

I like to think back to the wonderful stories you told like Laura, our dog and others

I like to think back to all the different peoples homes and model homes we looked at.

I like to think back at the time we romped around R ranch

I like to think back to all the times we went to water and amusement parks

I like to think back to think back to the many walks and swims in Whatcom Lake

I like to think back to all the fruit stands we visited - strawberries and apricots

I like to think back to the time you let me and your friends kids make farting sounds at McDonald's.

Ok...... I am tired - I will see you later

Veronica

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My own lack of a family support system, including going from being a regular middle class suburban kid to having literally nothing in my own teen years. My brother and I were close and could always ration out our differences. My sister on the other hand was not very honest in dealing with others. It was her nature. The more I tried to become a part of her world, the more she tried to dissuade me and steer me in wrong directions. She is a real piece of work as is her children. I prefer not to have anything to do with them. I did the once a year communication, but lost interest in even that.

I did make poor choices in relationships with others but only to the extent that I really didn't choose them, I just went with the flow because they were "better than nothing". I had really bad self esteem, ie thought I was undesireable as a friend, ugly, stupid, fat, because I didn't have a family structure, etc. because I was so put down by certain family members. I moved more than you did as a child, after I was nine years old.

I didn't know how to get out of bad situations whether it be a decision or a situation. I just kinda like would stand there and go "duhhh..." I don't do that anymore.

I thought I had to achieve the unachievable to be given kudos. I still believe that to some extent.

Not knowing how to avoid the "Jason Situation" to begin with. Fear paralyzed me. For awhile I was scared to even go outside, had a little paranoia going on and hoarded. I am way beyond that after a little counseling. I was diagnosed as having Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I know the triggers and have overcome most of it.

Taking the death of my mother 1n 1980 pretty hard. That was really traumatic for me.

Being talked into things by others, like NOT continuing college. Like having my tubes tied. I imagined being more of a family person. I imagined being looked up to for advice.

The "Wayne" situation. I got slapped hard financially and emotionally there.

Not getting rid of Gary sooner. I should have gone back to GO, and restarted our life. I tried to go back to McDonnell Douglas Aircraft, but they had a hiring freeze and even though I was high on the list to go back (I quit not was laid off) the economy never eased up enough to be rehired.

I think these events, coupled with your own temperament and being a rebellious teenager was just disasterous. It was never that you were "bad", I would say hard-headed, opinionated, independant, intelligent, bigger than your britches, etc. but not ever "bad". I was trying to be liberal, understanding, involved, "there for you", sympathetic, unselfish, etc. I should have been more committed to "us", I can't really think of anything else, but maybe more stable even if it meant more humble and less likely to "move on", but really if I had the slightest idea what to really do, I don't think at that time I would have had the confidence to do much. I was a big chicken as I said before. And easy to manipulate so that someone will "like me".

Well, shoulda-woulda-coulda. I rented out a room in my house in 1999 to a woman from Connecticut. She was about seven years older than me, radically different from me, except for the fact that we both liked horses and cats. She lived with me for a year until the place was developed into parcels and we both had to move. She had been a Psychiatric RN in New York City and had a back injury and thus was on disability and won a lawsuit for damages. Just us living together as the Odd Couple helped me greatly come to a lot of terms. We stayed in touch up until recently, when her father died and she moved to Florida. She was really an excellent person in my life and got me over the feelings I had about times in my life that were disabling me from living a full llife. Another woman who was influential was a woman I worked for in Palm Springs area. I was her cook/housekeeper/personal assistant and we would just chat sometimes about things. She was also an alcoholic and had other psychological issues, but when I was there she stayed fairly clear. I worked for her thru an agency for nearly a year, and then her life went south, she could no longer afford my services and we went different ways. So I am telling you this to let you know I am not the same person I was, even contrasted from a couple of years ago. I am a much more responsible, stable person who generally makes very good decisions. I am happy in my "skin" have better self esteem, etc. Besides my husband, my horses are the most important thing to me, and have always been. I never thought I could handle the loss of a foal, but I have. I was devastated when Shadow had to be put down in 1997, and swore I would never have another grey/white horse. I have two of them and have gotten over that stigma.

My husband, Charles is highly protective of me and my feelings. He is the kind of mate that I never knew I would have. While we are pretty much "joined at the hip" we are also individuals. I am certain that you have that kind of relationship as well. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, successful in your endeavors and live the kind of life you want, without issues you couldn't handle. I didn't want to raise you to be a whining, drama-queen who came back to me everytime something went wrong. So I am pleased with you and how you have turned out. I am not requesting that you be constantly "there" and letting me know every dire detail of your existence as you would not like to know mine. But it would however be nice to know every once in a while the highlights of your family and of course photos and things like that. When you said you didn't want me to come to your door and announce I would be your neighbor, I almost laughed...I would never do that! I had visions of some woman like Mrs. Doubtfire knocking at your door...LOL. I have my own life, and our plans include most likely relocating atleast half the year to Europe in the future. When we are done raising/training horses or it is more outgo than income, we'll cut down to a select few and spend time elsewhere. I think we will be here for about three or so years before we rethink things.

I am glad that you are communicating with me though. I think in the long run it will be beneficial for both of us. I have always had good things to say of you, was always proud of you and knew you would do well. Life is a journey, not the destination but the path. If you have ever read the Odyssey or a poem the Road to Ithaca, it would tell all.

Hope you have a wonderful day...the emoticons did help me "chill". Thanks...

"...I will not take anything you say personal and vice versa there are times that we both were wrong and did things to create some really bad outcomes."

"...sorry, I will admit some went unread, I really was not interested at all"

I forgot one place that we stayed at for a month or two in Phoenix. It was indeed a pay by the week place until we found a suitable rental. It was there you had your miscarriage, remember? Yeah, that was scary. And of course when Carri I feel that Carri was a real loser but, I think Marc and the kids tried to do the best they could - I later invited the little boy (name?) to Brandon's B-day they had a nice time let "us"/me stay there in our final days in Woodstock before you went your own way.

Of course raising you was more difficult than I was prepared for. Teens.......were we like that?

You fought me every step of the way and I let you get by with a lot because you made it clear that you would runaway and live with your friends if I didn't. yeah, I was pretty text book stuff, you the single struggling mom... Beginning at twelve/thirteen when you shaved LOL what are you making me out to be Brittney Spears!

this is too much- This was not the story, I had you cut my hair and you were very creative ( you did not want me to cut my hair but, you worked with me ) and i was not happy with the uneven-ness, it was shorter on one side then the other, then I shaved it underneath later - it was stylish and you were very encouraging for me to be unique, my hair styles changed often for about 1 year then I grew out of that stage. your hair off almost in its entirety. Not going to school I had a problem with a science teacher ( thus my hair and new style) and then there was a conflict with the people that we rented from - one was a teacher ( home ec )there and I knew we were behind in rent and I felt like I was feeling trapped in talking about my home life - this caused much rebellion for me ( remember I spray painted the room! not good!), that's when I cut out a article from the paper about a school for troubled youth - I wanted to go there and we later found out that I was not eligible to attend - I was not troubled enough by committing any crimes or using drugs. Refusing to do your schoolwork (that was all your school years and was instrumental in why I tried different schools for you) Yeah I do not doubt this, I remember going to one private school where I think there were nuns and they gave me a lot of work ( Tudor style house - tell me about this place )! - You always thought I was treated badly, as a child that must have been a way to be able to get your attention - I dunno? I would always share all my days good and bad

and you were very interested in being on my side - I don't think that it was best for me - I am sorry you felt it was the best parenting -it is not easy . Not getting up in the morning

Yeah, I run an organized ship with my kids - these things are common in raising kids, all my kids have gone through this in different degrees but, we have worked it out - I tell my kids how many times I would change outfits and clothing did not feel right and I would miss the bus often!!

How frustrating that would be! I remember you trying to plead with me then - trying to "reason" with kids rarely works, I can understand, you really needed to go buy some books on parenting me!. Piercing your nose This had nothing to do with you, I was finding my identity,

I would not dream of it now, it's pretty commonplace now. Sleeping with Brian against everyone's wishes Whose?

I don't recall any conversations. "Huffing" That was a bad decision

with the freon ( that was all I huffed) - I could have died! Teens are unaware of many things, again I had little supervision and little info, this was not your fault, I did this instead of hard drugs like pot, cocaine or whatever was illegal that was my reasoning to not ever pursue drugs - I know it was a dumb reason but, that was it! I also tried drinking wine/liquer - got very sick, did not like beer, smoked cigarettes for about 18 months and drank cough syrup - which made me think I was going to die, remember? I mostly experimented when I was 13 through 14 1/2 that was the worst. Then I met Brian and changed quite a bit! Urban surfing I think you must be referring to the dancing and mosh pits? I never surfed. Doing just about whatever you wanted whenever you wanted despite my pleadings.lol! your pleadings?! I will admit I was a horrible yet typical teen! I wanted so bad to get away from you ( normal ), you were very much a source of friction but, you also tried to compete with me and even befriend my own social group.

You wanted acceptance from my friends just as much as I did! I was never shown how to handle people in conflicts, you always ran away. I suppose that is why I quit school, you led me to think that the schools were stupid and not able to teach me properly- because you wanted to convince me through your own actions that I too could attend college early. Remember when you had my records transferred to Vanderbilt University, where we sat in with the administrator of the school. You thought you were so important that you could convince them of educating me! I sort of believed you and then when we showed up the meeting - it was embarrassing! They were polite, but it was bizarre. These are the stories I want to remember " honestly". Having many young people slip in through your bedroom window. In Naperville, it was because It was partly because of 1.) teen promiscuity - I did not have sex at this point But,soon after 2.) because I could and got away with it, you did not have a united front with Gary regarding parenting me, you guys suffered your own communication problems thus leaving me to bring on much destruction myself. 3.) I was a budding teen with a burning desire for sexual identity and to feel loved by the opposite sex - nothing ordinary here The "bust" in Nashville and when I had to come get you at the police department. Eric was a strange guy

, The nashville police showed up at his house new years eve because of a warrant, they thought he was a devil worshiper- he was supposed to show up in court for trespassing in a local park after closing. - Any underage kids had to leave. They questioed me because they thought I was too

I was not!- you thought it was silly and I should not have been there. I did not get in any trouble but, we did not have a phone so, it was difficult to get a hold of you to pick me up so, I stayed the night in Juvenile hall. All the times you slipped out in the middle of the night I did in Naperville, but I came back home . Your friends at the park. Dragon Park in Nashville - I did not sneak out to go there, sometimes you would bring me there and other times you invited many of the friends I had back to our house, you allowed many to stay with us if they helped out with the dogs and such, I think you enjoyed the company, It was impossible to sneak away there however, I would be gone in Nashville for days, I always returned - that was pure insanity to let me run a muck, but at that point things were a mess! I was bored and we had no phone at one point ( because I ran up bills - you did too - but, I ran up bills talking to friends and searching everywhere for my birth father). Driving with your friends to Wisconsin when us ( who?) parents thought you were at a sleepover. That's completely

untrue! I was madly " in love "

with Jeremy and you purchased Greyhound tickets for me ( no one else was involved just me! ) to go and see him in Wisconsin ( we lived in Nashville) when I got on the bus I had a horrible trip and called you crying, You purchased a plane ticket back for me and because of the expense or strike I had to be picked up in Atlanta. I never remember you being upset with me, I remember it being a difficult situation to get me back. When I had to fly you back and had to drive all the way to Atlanta, GA to get you on a holiday weekend. Calling the sheriff on me because I "beat" you You and I had some physical altercations, the one I think you are referring to is the bucket incident, I survived - we were both frustrated

All those things you stole with your friends from the clubhouse. I did not steal the items - you know that, I went skinny dipping and Jenny was a new friend, she and Carrie stayed behind at the pool and I told you and you did the right thing by reporting it, thanks

- you made the right choice, Remember how I came into your bedroom and said she wanted to take the car out, that was crazy, I am glad you understood.The credit card you kept from a customer at Walgreens in Phoenix and the shopping spree you went on with your friend

You have it partially correct, The lady ( she mamaged the apt complex with lots of kids - total trash) I forget her name found a wallet with someones credit card (never stole someones credit card from Walgreen's I would have gotten fired!)and Brian charged gas and her and I charged groceries .....

very bad, bad stuff!. The jewelry your friends took from me with "your" permission.What Jewelry? The jewelry you still have that belongs to me.I honestly do not recall anything of yours - You always hawked things maybe you are confusing the story? I know what you have taken and that's not good of you.Ok,

I am sorry too. The shoplifting you and your friends think you got by with.You helped me shoplift a cabbage Patch kid once at Gemco, The doll was out of the box and you implied to me to put it on the counter like it was mine and the lady never rang it up so, you said I could keep it.The only other time was with other teens and I took make-up. How you took hold of my breast and twisted it hard out of temper.Yeah, right -

just randomly! lol You were holding me down against my will. You became physical with me, what was I too do? Do you know about what has happened with Brian?? yes, I do..... Thank you for your concern, but he is not my husband .I do...it's really sad because inside, he is a good person despite his weaknesses. I know about his prison stays, tatoos and his drug dealing...he has other children as well...did you know that? I am not sure why you care about this?

Difficult was not the word to descrbe raising you. You were a very wild child and your antics made it difficult for me.I was never consistently disciplined!!

you would run around chasing me with the belt or spoon to calling me "Mona" in Public. You belittled me and then try to reason with me by buying me something! OK you say you were difficult because not being in the same house all your life and having a stable relationship. Are you saying this was cause from nurture or nature? I say you contributed greatly Yeah, if that's true - how many times have you moved since VA? I am not to blame. to my lack of being able to have a stable life. You were BANNED

I was never got kicked out of school or banned at all! Many school counselors knew of my home life and "gypsy" lifestyle that they often felt sorry for me - I hated that

! I think things started out fine and got harder to define, as I got older the issues that were going on at home were acted out in school, to a certain point - not everything. I had some really great teachers, who cared about me. from several schools because of how you were.

You claim that no one wanted me at school, I do remember when we moved to Tennessee and I was at my height of teen rebellion- with crazy hair and clothing. They had not seen anything like it! They told us that I would have to change my dress to attend. that it was a distraction

. I have to agree I was. But, that's what I was taught. The good is that you did not want me to conform but, to be an individual. In the end the school system got it wrong and should have realized that being a rebellious teen is just acting different or unique is pretty much ordinary these days. being different is a normal part of being a teen.

It was embarrassing but, you seemed to allow me to be that way. I do not think you had issues with the dress, it was the teen behavior and lack of respect in our home. I find that the teen years are the hardest and It's just the way things go. We want teenagers to make mistakes when they are young so, that when they become adults they have a better sense of who they are.

I made many and I do not regret any of it. All of this has taught me how to be a united front as parents and what not to do. Being a teenager is as unique as raising one.

Would you like your school records as to WHY you had to be homeschooled?? I was homeschooled for probably 3 weeks at most..... it was a joke and it never worked... I got lost in the system because once again we moved, we did make efforts for me to return, however the school in Mo for example wanted me to go back to 7th grade when I was to be in 9th. We agreed that it was not fair. That was the last time I saw my records. I made calls in the past to find them, That would settle a lot of my questions! I WOULD LOVE THE RECORDS OR A LIST OF SCHOOLS I ATTENDED! Already Explained the above scenario that led to that.... YES

- Do you have my school records! It was very embarassing to me.I can imagine but, remember that was my inner turmoil shadowing my life! You were very close from being taken away and put in a place name of place for incorageable children because of your defiance and because I could NOT CONTROL YOU.I thought I was spoiled but, was I really a bad kid, all around or was I desperate for your attention constantly!

When was this? I was under the gun because of things you did. I had no help to set you straight and you took every opportunity to take advantage.Yes kids do this!! if you let them!!They whoever "they" were - were going to take me away but not offer any help?

I think you are or have had some serious problems since we last saw each other and are wishing to blame your issues on your upbringing or me. No, I told you I never felt better, In that regard I thank you! I do not blame anything bad for the last ten years in fact it's quite the opposite!

, I just want to clear up some confusion with stories - Do I have to say it again?

You have been a hard person for me to deal with pretty much all your life. If you didn't get what you wanted or get your way you would act out and defy me to lengths that I had no idea how to manage. I was a child, you started that pattern

.VERY selfish, you are. You disrespected me for a very long time and even though you now say that I made wrong decisions in MY life, you were not in the position to make decisions for me. And furthermore, you had little complaints as long as you got your way.You created that pattern-

you manipulated me through buying things for me until I was about 11 and then we were very desolate. I can say that I can't recall anytime you ever got me a gift either on a holiday or otherwise or even a card or letter of affection. Ever? I did too... The Ivory elephant, framed picture, coffee mugs - What does this prove? maybe I did not have $ but, I did care - sorry you do not remember.... Or now- I did, until you told Gary that if I send you anything else you would destroy it just as you did anything else I would send you. Hmmmm...... I think I told him not to have you send me anything - I do not need anything - Thanks! I did ask him to tell you to write down the lists of addresses and such that I lost. That's all, I never received it.Your anger and resentment will get you nothing but ill-health and bad will.I agree

I have no anger or resentment towards you, but I do feel empathy about how much you hate hate , who said hate? are you fishing for compliments?me and despise me. It seems that it is all about what I did with my life, and you seem to think that it is pretty darn bad. Well, it isn't as bad as you want to believe it. Gary has re-married great

, I have re-married great

and I am doing good. I do not wish ill of you, never have, even though you have spent a lot of your time recalling events that had little to do with you personally. I just have stories and now that I am older - I am just looking for some information am I sounding like a broken record?.
I took offense to your approach because it was bossy and defensive.It's been over ten years ! It's a e-mail! and there is some unanswered questions - What do you expect flowers? My first words were Happy Birthday......please move on from this self pity! But I went along with it because I understand your temperament, yes, which is pretty cold, indifferent and defensive. What do I say to this - read the above?

You are very stubborn True and even if it isn't the truth, you have your mind made up about how things were.True That's fine with me, it really is. And if I had placed you in a foster home or for adoption, you would have appraoched me at some point in my life with questions anyhow.True I never even considered placing you. I loved you yes I know you love me, understood you , worked with your temperament and then went on with my life.

Yes, I have stayed abrest of your whereabouts yes, the Internet is easy for everyone do not play this game and always can since I know your social security number and am not above hiring a detective this sounds ridiculous, and like a form of intimidation, do not ever state this again

to find out more about you, but I do not wish to. I don't want drama, and believe me, will not initiate contacting you if you don't contact me first.good, It's agreed

Look at this as having got a few things off my chest as well. You lied, stole, connived, destroyed, breached your employers trust, etc. And you hold things against me like keeping you from harms way even if it meant bypassing marriage a few times. If you believe in a higher power, you have a lot to get right you sound so righteous - whats the point?...I still think you should continue the dialogue because I think we are on the way to getting everything resolved...don't chicken

I will have to think about the positive reasons for this, and so far I am still unsure? out now. I still love you and care about your feelings. I know you are not as hard shelled as you want me to think you are. You are a big softy. depends on the subject Don't let this go unresolved...okay? <<>> It just might be what you need to do to get over whatever is bugging you. I've said it before, but anger and resentment is not healthy...lets get over this one. I have patience and time to listen...you are misinformed as to the whats and the whys. I think you are getting input from people who do not know me unforunatly I do not have an audience for you, or think they might...that's what it sounds like. No, your wrong - I wrote this all myself!!
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That is sad about Ivan.

I don't know what to say about Julia, I did not like having others call me and then try and reunite us. I feel that you had so meting to do with that and that is why I request so much privacy.

Yeah, yeah, so people come and go and I get all that. I am not resentful but, I need to be cautious with you because I know that from your erratic actions - I do not think you are as "sound " as you think. But, that is my opinion. I not going to beat you up for every bad choice you made, that does not sound like any fun to me at all. I think you know where you have screwed up. I have survived, the separation between you and I has been a fantastic passage for me to work out my own way in life with out your disruptions. Yes, I do find you disruptive at times. I have no prompts to contact you at all. I have and always been free to do what I choose. I am a parent, a wife and a friend. I have chosen to do all of these rolls very well. I too am very content. I don't want to keep on trying to listen to you prove the reasons of why you continue to connect with people from your past and then fade or disconnect from them. You are all over the place, the lifestyle you have chosen is very bizarre. I know that you have difficulty in keeping a stable relationship or place of residency, ,jobs and such. I get the fact that you tried to protect me from Ron - I suppose is my father, because of his past abuse. I don't know. In the end you have become a person of much toxicity to me and the roles reverse causing me to protect my children and life from you. How does either of us win? By taking me away from school to school and home to home you took my free will away from me to settle with some roots somewhere. I have accepted it and have made better choices for my family. Your life was not my choice - that is how I am free. Now that I am a mother, I can understand some things but, I also think that you attributed to some of my young angst against you. Thank god we mellow as we get older or else I would not be able to make this contact.

Can you and Ron be all that bad? No, I don't think so. As people in general we have many other definitions and roles to play out. However, You had such a hard time raising me because of many reasons, boundaries, relationship dramas, lack of support, stability, male influence and so on. Yes, I believe you did the best that you could do. Knowing what I know now - why didn't you consider giving me up for adoption? What made you have hope?

Why do I want so much detail from the past? It's not just about you and I stuff, it's also about things or people I saw, like -what was the deal with Wayne, you and I and the Asian/Japanese people and the stacks of money - lots of it? I have a different perspective of things, Since I am older I have generated some questions that I am curious about, that's all. I would like the questions about who my biological father is so, I can put that to rest. If you would just answer the question.... simply it would be much easier. I want to know about any medical information and heritage information for my kids thus my father - I do not want a father figure in my life - I have moved past that image. I do not need any details that would cause you pain, that is not my intent. I want to know about the past addresses and stuff because I had that all written down and I will find comfort in just having it, that's it.

Veronica

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Thanks,

I think that there are places missing, like we lived in a town but we moved around in that town - often. There is no reference to the time we lived in Canada, the office building for the weekend ( I know not really an address - Dick Tremain what did he do for a living? ) and then the condo with the elevator. Then I stayed with Ron. It's all very confusing.

There has also been a lot of times we stayed in pay by the week, bare land in the ozarks or in our car.

Plus there are many men/boyfriends that are not mentioned - not that they were important but, I can place a location with who you were with or who came around, What about James from TN, Henry the installer?, Roman -Musician who bought property in 29 palms ? outside of palm Springs? Jason the crazy one with red isuzu. I don't know there were so many.

Animals we had are very helpful... There were some real serious issues there with you collecting them. Later on I realized that you spent far more energy and money purchasing animals, rather then more important things like health & Auto Insurance or some basic bills like electric. I can not understand the decisions? I am not even sure one exists - What can you say? I am not going to beat you up about this, It's just that now that I have started my thirties - I can not even imagine your life. It's such a contrast to my own. I did however create my own business when I was 25 like you. I understand that drive. It was exciting, but in the end it suffocated me and I had to sell it. I am happy to say that it still continues- even though they changed the name. www.cafeshoppes.com I listed it with a broker in D.C. and I found a great couple, they love it. They moved to Woodstock just for the Cafe. I am thankful that I was able to move on and not give up and bail.

Veronica
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Ron Hartsough (1972-78)      I was 17-23 years old

This relationship should never have been anything but a friendship. There was no love, only security for me in the form of a place to live because my mother was unable to care for me. We split up almost monthly, until finally he left in the middle of the day while I was at work. He emptied our joint accounts and left me penniless. Hard to put into words why I stayed for those years, but I had given my independence to him and it was nearly impossible to get back. I was dependent on him for my survival.We were both unfaithful to each other. Many verbal and physical fights. The divorce was in 1980.

Sacramento, Ca         Managed apartment    off of Del Paso Blvd. (no longer there)   Apt. mgr.
Carmichael, Ca           Marconi Tennis Apartments    Marconi Ave       Apt. mgr.
Lincoln, Ca                D/W trailer on 100 acres    Thousand Oaks Drive     Insurance salesperson
Sacramento, Ca         rented apartment    Myrtle Ave.      Insurance salesperson
Anaheim, Ca              managed apartment complex  off Lemon Street    Apt. mgr.
Mission Viejo, Ca        rented house     Via Luisa         Pool salesperson
Corona, Ca               rented house  Cresta Drive        Pool salesperson

Joseph Heupel (1978-79)   I was 23-24 years old

I met Joseph through my brother. Joseph took me out dancing a few times and moved me into his house. I worked for him, gave up my car, gave up my dog and felt victimized. My mother was very ill, my sister was causing problems with my relationship with my mother and moved her near her house in Daly City. He wanted me to give up my daughter. There were many physical and verbal fights.

2510 Branham Lane (now Lost Oaks) San Jose, CA
IDC, Inc. - Interior design/sales

Suhail (Joe) Faraj 1979

His company manufactured my custom drapes for my interior business and he rented me a house in the Rancho Rinconada neighborhood of Cupertino, CA in September, 1979 when I left Joseph. In October, he moved himself in to the house thinking he could have a relationship with me. I moved out when the abuse began in November 1979.

Wayne Thomas (1980)    I was 25 years old

Cupertino, Ca       Heney Creek Lane                     Rideaux, Inc. - Interior design
Los Altos Hills, Ca       Alta Tierra Road                  Rideaux, Inc. - Interior design
Windsor, Ca       off Jones/Starr Road                    Rideaux, Inc. - Interior design

On own (1980-82)    I was 25-27 years old

Sebastopol, Ca       Bones Road                            Rideaux, Inc. - Interior design
Rohnert Park, Ca     (rented room)                         Rideaux, Inc. - Interior design
Los Gatos, Ca  (rented room)   Top of the Hill Road   Rideaux, Inc. - Interior design
San Jose, Ca   Thornwood Drive (triplex)                 Rideaux, Inc. - Interior design

With Ivan Begian (1982-1985)  I was 27-30 years old

San Jose, Ca       Peak Drive                                 Rideaux, Inc. - Interior design
Lynden, Wa        5th St.                                      Uniflite, Inc. - Asst. Engineer
Bellingham, Wa    L. Whatcom                               Uniflite, Inc. - Asst. Engineer
Everett, Wa    Evergreen Rd.   Manager of Casino Rd Apartments                                                     Anaheim, Ca    Lynrose Dr.     McDonnel Douglas Aircraft - Asst. Electrical Engineer

On own (1986)   I was 31 years old

Anaheim, Ca      Mc Donnel Douglas Aircraft - Asst. Electrical Engineer
San Jose, Ca (with roommate)    Almaden Drapery - Interior design
Carmel Highlands, Ca (at Julie's)   Almaden Drapery - Interior design

With Gary Barron (1987-1993)   I was 32-38 years old

Naperville, Il     Plunkett's - Interior design/sales
Bon Aqua, Tn    (independent) Interior design
Willow Springs, Mo Unemployed
Houston, Mo   Unemployed
Raymondville, Mo Unemployed
Phoenix, Az    Customer Service Representative thru agencies

The people that she mentions, Henry, James and so forth, were friends, not boyfriends or lovers.

As you said, I may be rusty but here is as close as I can get at this time for recollecting pets or household animals. I'm not counting rabbits, poultry, rats, fish (we had huge saltwater and fresh water aquariums) or other small critters. Yes I know. There were many. I am sure you can add to this list.

Dogs and Cats:
1975-77 Mushroom and Beethoven - Siamese neutered cats-Gave away before we moved
1975-79 Na'adi - Pekingese dog - Joseph made me sell her
1976-78 Ursula, Tut and ? - Chow-Chow dogs - Ron put them in boarding kennel secretly
1978-79 Natasha - Harlequin Great Dane - Joseph kept her
Julius - Orange cat - Lost
1981     Buttons - Small terrier cross - You remember her
1981     Kenny - Male Tri-colored Collie - Had to sell because of change in living situation
Sadie - Ivan's dog. He gave her to his sister later.
Assorted Rottweilers - First one was Amanda in 1987. Last ones were in VA. (1998)
Chinese Shar-Peis - First one was in 1987. Last one was in MO.
1989-91 A wild assortment of dogs and cats. A pretty rough time in my life.
I am only recalling dogs/cats I had when you lived at home.

Ferrets :
Washington was the first one. Then the population grew to four in Anaheim and continued until Julia's husband John reported me to Fish and game for having them.

Exotic birds:
Blue and Gold Macaw - Fruit Loop - Stolen out of aviary in Cupertino
Umbrella Cockatoo - Krystal - Had to sell...too noisy/complaints from neighbors in Anaheim.

Horses/ponies:
1975-77 Shetland ponies
1974-77 Morgan "Victory's Tuxedo" Ron sold him without me knowing.
1980-81 Three Tennessee Walkers and your Appaloosa (POA) pony you fell off of.
1987     "Saltera" a Thoroughbred, and two others. I gave them away because my finances went south.
1993      A couple of yearlings in Phx., later gave them away. Only paid $100 for each of them, and a calf.
1993     "Jenosa" the Arabian in Phx. I had her until she was 28 then gave her to a retirement home for horses in VA.
1993     "Shadow" the Thoroughbred. He had to be put to sleep in 1996 from a fatal disease, EPM. Remember I had taken a photo of you and Brandon on him? I guess when you went thru my photos before you left you took that one too...

Goats: I bought goats in TN (1) and MO (15+).

Remember that the moving company lost the shipment and we lost everything? They eventually settled for pennies on the dollar when we lived in TN. The attorney got most of the money. We had a lot of nice things, and I am sure that that event was devastating to you as well. I know it took me years to get over the loss. That was when the horrible incident with Jason happened. I went through a lot...losing my mother and father, having a horrible marriage with Ron; he left us financially destitute when he inherited money from his stepfather's passing. He left with a man-friend from work and blew his money.

Veronica, we have both been through a lot, but I am recovered from the devastation that happened. I went to a lot of psychologists and counselors through the years because I thought that there was something wrong that I could fix. It was just circumstances. I had no family support system. My brother was an alcoholic and addicted to other bad things, my sister had her own issues and I was ALONE in the world...Yes, I did the best I could and I wish you would realize that and instead of saying that I was wrong and made bad choices, I wish you could acknowledge that i did the best I could and give me a little credit. I think you have been trying to hurt me by keeping your kids away from me, but I think the real reason is because you are afraid that I will blow your cover and "the World" will see that I wasn't as bad as you have made me out to appear...that's perfectly OK because it is YOU who has to live with the lie that I was such a bad person that you "must keep your children away from me". I live with the fact that I was a loving, considerate mother who spoiled you and gave you MORE than you deserved. I should have been selfish and kept you at a distance from me. I should have not let you dictate anything to me (as you are still doing) and tell me how I should do things. This thing where you say that I should have given you up for adoption...that wasn't ever even an option! You act as though we were so destitute and I was so bad. People who give their children up for adoption (to me) are those who do not wish to be bothered with the day to day raising of their children. I GAVE TOO MUCH TO YOU! And then now I feel as though I have been spat on...

I'm not dead yet (to your dismay), and at some point before I die, I fully plan to contact your children and atleast let them know who I am. If for some reason I am not able to personally, my husband Charles will...it would be in your best interest to "right this wrong" between us. I don't think you have gone down the path of a Christian or religious in any way otherwise you would be more forgiving of the past. I can't for the life of me, however figure out what has you so mad. One time you said that you were mad at me because I was not as strong in relationships as you would like to have seen me. Ok, that was your opinion. But you were not in my shoes. I didn't like it when you had me paged at the library as a "middle-aged, overweight woman". I was not middle-aged...you will middle-aged one day too...overweight? Well, I didn't pick my parents and their genes, so commenting derogatorily on a persons appearance is unfair. I am sure someone has said something at one point in your life about your appearance or personality that was hurtful to you.

If you are wanting to mend fences, you are going about it in the wrong way by being aggressive. It was not my intent to become aggressive to you in my notes. And I don't like to be that way at all, but you provoked me. You pushed buttons to make me irate and remember some very hurt feelings I had. Charles says that he thinks you will never contact me again because I didn't let you continue to bash me. If that is so, then so be it. But what I think is the reason you contacted me is because you needed something from me...not materialistic, but inside you needed to communicate with me because something is going wrong with you...either in your life or inside you. That is my intuition...but the only way you feel you can contact me is by being angry still. I was willing to look over that, but you just kept asking about men and relations I had in my life when you were young. What did you do? Tell someone that I was something that I wasn't, and then they put their opinion into it without knowing how it really was?? Thats what I think happened...and now you can't remember much detail because you have blocked it out of your mind to please someone else...

I am glad that you are successful with that cafe. I saw your website when you had it (and I have the wedding invitation that you sent Aunt Jane) and kept track of you thru friends I had in Woodstock area. I was told that you were pretty hard-shelled, not friendly and seemed as though you had your creativity blocked. You seemed like you were dealing with some turmoil inside. That was what I was told. You have always been bull-headed and opinionated but don't let that tear you up inside.

Since we seem not to be having anymore dialogues, I hope all goes well for you and yours...I remember you told me that I wasn't going to ever have anything so you didn't want anything to do with me. Just in your telling me that drove me to prove you wrong. I am in a good position in life, have no need to stay in touch with toxic people such as my sister and her family, and I guess if you think I am toxic, you don't have to have anything to do with me either...you can't hurt me anymore. But if you feel as though we can continue this on an adult level, your e-mails are welcome... Mom

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Whoa!

..............I am sorry I have not responded to your e-mail. I have been busy that's all!

I don't know what to say, Thanks for the list of animals. I will write more when I have more time.

Your e-mail is overwhelmingly all over the place, I do not wish to change the past - merely exchange notes. I feel like I must insert

emoticons everywhere! The only reason I contacted you is because I wanted to clear up some confusion that's all

for me. I think that there are many interesting stories. My only wish is to gabble about them truthfully It would be nice to say to you remember when ...... and what was this about......When I seem to be comming across aggressively - it's only because I think that I find the choice's made outrageous

.I have told you that I accept the life you chose as yours not mine and AGAIN

I can laugh at the strangeness that was there. I still believe my childood to be a bizarre way to live. Unforunately this upsets you. Please do not take my questioning as away to point the finger at others and explain, I know too much but, then I wonder about what happen to all these people? Maybe I come across passive aggressive, It's understandable. There is so-many times I reflect on many events on my life and I suppose I am comparing or contrasting things in my life and in the end you are feeling hurt, I can see now through all your emotional words that you feel upset. I am still unsure about this journey.

Veronica

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and you were very interested in being on my side - I don't think that it was best for me - I am sorry you felt it was the best parenting -it is not easy . Not getting up in the morning

I would not dream of it now, it's pretty commonplace now. Sleeping with Brian against everyone's wishes Whose?

I don't recall any conversations. "Huffing" That was a bad decision

untrue! I was madly " in love "

Difficult was not the word to descrbe raising you. You were a very wild child and your antics made it difficult for me.I was never consistently disciplined!!

I was never got kicked out of school or banned at all! Many school counselors knew of my home life and "gypsy" lifestyle that they often felt sorry for me - I hated that

I made many and I do not regret any of it. All of this has taught me how to be a united front as parents and what not to do. Being a teenager is as unique as raising one.

, I just want to clear up some confusion with stories - Do I have to say it again?

, I have re-married great

to find out more about you, but I do not wish to. I don't want drama, and believe me, will not initiate contacting you if you don't contact me first.good, It's agreed

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yes,

I will let him know - He is away at camp. We will be seeing him soon. I am terribly busy - right now. Please know that my e-mails may seem infrequent and or short. It is not anything you have said or done. I am getting the chance to read them here and there.

Thank you for letting me know about Sunny/Sonny? - I do recall the name/ relationship - it is interesting to me to know who these people "were" - so, he was an insurance agent?

Brandon is 14. So, I will brag on him....First, he is a great young adult. We are very proud of him. He is gifted and talented since 2nd grade ( Gate program at school ) He started reading at 3 1/2 and his comprehension was and has always been amazing. He is a challenge to educate. I am very involved with the school and I love the teachers and contacts we have. Jon and I are a fantastic united front on parenting him. We are blessed and so is he to have a family intact, and in love. He is very talkative, very social & smart - and he is very popular at school. The girls like him as well as he likes them! He played Piano when he was about 5-7 but, he got bored with that. Played Soccer and Lacrosse. He's an excellent writer/ debater and gets excellent grades. He has never missed a day of school since Kindergarten. He will be going to High School this Fall. He loves Skateboarding, American Eagle Outfitters clothing (he's very style oriented - typical teen ) and girls, and skateboarding, and friends, - Did I mention Skateboarding? LOL - He is very adventurous - we went to NY City and He loved it. He wanted to be a paleontologist from about age 3 to about age 10. Then he has gone back and forth from wanting to attend Medical School/ Law school ( Our kids close friends are a family doctor and Psychiatrist - who we have been friends with for years - He looks up to them ) and then he considered studying foreign language and was influenced by another friend who is Korean - ( he knows a little Korean and Spanish ) Brandon has also thought about becoming a Foreign Ambassador.

It's hard to say where he will go but, the friends and influences around him are a constant and I feel grateful that he has been exposed to many interesting points of view. He is also very caring.

Talk to you later...

Veronica

Thanks, I have been super busy - I will have more time in the next couple of weeks -

I had lasix done too! We always talked about it - didn't we...

I am happy with it as well...

Thanks for the pictures - you look great, like you - It was nice to receive a picture of you and not animals - which is what i would have expected. Thank you.

I am not ready for a picture exchange.... I hope you understand for now...

I am here just too preoccupied to really settle into any real topics for now...

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Hope all is well with you. We had a problem with our generator and have to take it in for servicing to Las Vegas, so we are not able to do much electrical-wise. The satellite and all functions relied on the generator, so we are quite primitive now. Had not been able to check e-mail for awhile, and was hoping to have heard something from you.

Well, here's some recent photos of me. Of course no make-up and the flash from the camera faded my skin tone, but I am always quite tan from being outside so much. I had lasix surgery on my eyes for vision about four years ago so I don't wear glasses or contacts. I generally wear my long hair in a braid or atleast back. Oh and my nose isn't bulbous as it appears. I took the photos myself using the digital camera.

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How are you? We have been very busy and I wanted to let you know that writing to you crosses my mind but, by the time I choose to spend my " free time" - I find that I have so many other projects that need my attention ( the kids needs come first ) that I exhaust myself at the thought of writing much of anything to you. I will get better at this.

Writing to you does take me on another journey of energy that I feel has been developing over this short time as a " therapy " of sorts. I have spent many years grieving the loss of our relationship both good and bad. I am at peace with things and I have no interest in controlling the future of where things will lay after we piece things together.

Last week August 3rd - Thomas Patrick turned 7. He is named after Thomas Jefferson and Patrick Henry. Thomas has many friends - his best buddies are Henry and his cousin Derek. Henry will be over here tomorrow to play. They have been friends since he was 18 months ( preschool and playschool they attended together ) and his cousin Derek - they have known each other since birth. He's a great friend. Jon and I have said often that he takes over the " Greek " heritage somewhat - we had a picture take about 2 years ago and his coloring was different then anyone - olive toned. He's tans nicely too. His eyes were blue for the first birth to -3 years and then they turned a hazel green along with his skin. He looks alot like Jon. But, Jon first mentioned his likeness to you a few years back, and I could not agree more.

He is a very kind and warm hearted child. I asked him on his birthday " What is your favorite thing to do in the world? " his reply was "help" I asked him again looking for a different answer ..... same reply. He wants to be a diver when he grows up ( that will probably change ) - when he was 2-4 he loved fire trucks! He loves his Lego's and he collects sticks for sword fighting. He just recently got a Nintendo DS ? - which he loves to play the dog game and take care of dogs. We recently went to a cat show to look at cats - he eventually wants one. He liked the blue points I think? hmm I can't remember .... the ones that are like Siamese but grey blue maybe Russian short hair... I dunno? Anyhow we will see. Brandon got his own cat when he was 10 so, we may have to wait. Just a domestic cat from the pound named " Panda " yeah, the cat is black and white. I shared with him the cats I knew about and it was fun. He is a fantastic artist and student too. Very caring and sweet. He too has not missed a day of school - He will be entering the 2nd grade. I spent alot of time in his classroom this past year..... it was wonderful! His younger years were spent in daycare age 18 months- 4, not that it was bad just different. He came to work with me often - the daycare and his preschool were just blocks away from the shop. He would often come and play at the shop with his Lego's or draw. But there were many evenings I was not at home and had to be at the shop. We made the best of it. Jon was great!

few questions -

1.) Any luck with my school records?

2.) I would love to read the story you wrote about our dog Laura. I was thinking about her tonight.
" Laura our dog " - it was beautiful - I would love to share it with Thomas......

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yeah, I know of the song.... I meant the story you wrote - fictional mixed with our own personal story of her life it was fun to talk about her with you as you wrote about her...... after she died the song came out....very sad but peaceful - there were some really neat ideas and leads that took you into a new passion of sorts that you created for yourself....

Perhaps you are working on it, now....

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Think of Laura - Christopher Cross
Every once in a while I'd see her smile
And she'd turn my day around
A girl with those eyes could stare through the lies
And see what your heart was saying

CHORUS:
Think of Laura but laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way
When you think of Laura laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way
A friend of a friend, a friend till the end
That's the kind of girl she was
Taken away so young
Taken away without a warning
I know you and you're here
In everyday we live
I know her and she's here
I can feel her when I sing
Hey Laura, where are you now
Are you far away from here
I don't think so
I think you're here
Taking our tears away

yes, but much longer. I loved the field ending with the butterflies. I remember the statement about the buracracy of building in that area and the jokes about " Scenic easements" .

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Perhaps you are working on it, now....

How about the real story too. she was real... she had collie eye and she was blue eyed - and she became deaf and then blind.... then not eating.... weak... and I remember you leaving to have her put asleep. We were living in Canada at that KOA camp ground when we met this family and they let us stay with them in the house they moved too - how many kids did they have? I remember going to school with them for a few days.... why did we leave and where did we go next?

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The story was basically about a real estate developer coming to Pacific Grove, CA and wanting to build upscale condos in an area preserved for the Monarch butterfly (factual). He meets a feisty young woman who fights him at "city hall" to prevent the development. He is attracted to her and they have a clandestine relationship. He thinks he can change her mind and she thinks she can make him see life other than moneymoneymoney. She introduces him to her best friend, a blind white Collie with a very rare disease. They form a bond because of the love of the dog and her strong will, and ability to "see". He gives up his fight to build the environmentally-not-friendly project and at that moment that he "changes", Laura, the Collie dies in the womans arms. He goes to her to tell her that he is "reformed" and she goes to him to tell him that Laura has died. They meet each other in the preserve and they both "see" Laura playing and chasing hundreds of butterflies.

That is the story you wanted to recollect, right?

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Yes, but much longer. I loved the field ending with the butterflies. I remember the statement about the buracracy of building in that area and the jokes about " Scenic easements" .

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Hi Veronica,

She was blind. Born blind, and then her hearing began to fail. She was only a year old when I had her put to sleep. She had a rare matabloic disease that made her age before her actual age. Mainly liver and other organs stopped functioning. She could not keep any food down.

We had gone to Canada on a three month visitors visa. I wanted to live there because (as usual) I was sick of the USA rip off. Ivan could stay forever if he wanted and even work since he had a green card. He would have had to renounce his Iranian citizenship and become a Canadian for us to stay otherwise, and he certainly would not have done that. I got work, enrolled you in school hoping that would help, but I had to apply for residence visa from the USA. We left before our time (and money) ran out and rented a house in Lynden, WA. I then went to work in Bellingham at Uniflite as a design engineer until their closure and did drafting for a naval architect. We stayed at the KOA kampground in the beginning in Canada, and then that big family from Quebec had us stay with them until we left. They were nice, but for me, that was uncomfortable with all those people in one house. They were loud and boisterous and I am not. And I didn't want anyone into too much of my personal life...

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Thank you for the information you provided.... it's pretty much how I remember. I recall getting held up at the border for my rat, Tommy and Ivans pipe. They must have thought we were pretty strange. I remember roughing it alot when I was a kid. Please do not be upset, I know there were plenty of times when we were healthy consumers too. But, I do believe that everyone needs to struggle - it builds character! I enjoy the stories of the struggles we had very much. One thing that I recall when staying at the KOA is camping out next to the potato field. It was neat to find the potatoes and bring them over to the KOA side to eat. I know that there are lot's of kids that are not fed, clothed or that strugle financially, but I wonder if they are as resourceful? probably...

James Benjamin turned 2 on August 25th. He is named after James Monroe and Benjamin Franklin. He has sandy brown hair and blue eyes, everyone says he looks like Jon, again! LOL. He has my pointy teeth! He is a very happy, healthy kid. He likes to be outside the best! He loves tractors and loves Elmo. His vocabulary is awesome, quite comparable to Brandon's at this age. I have been potty training him. He does well. He has a great appetite and I would say he loves olives, beans, berries too. I read to him alot, just like the others - they all love books. Brandon is an avid reader he really enjoyed the Harry Potter series, He read the last book and loved it. He still is into skateboarding! Thomas is doing well too.

We went into the schools tonight to meet teachers and such. Brandon will be attending High School and Thomas will be attending 2nd grade. Brandon has all honors classes, I am very proud of him. Thomas is a wonderful student too, he is so patient and so caring.

What books do you read? The last book I read was glass castles, excellent book. One of my favorites was Life of Pi - I read it along time ago, it was easy read - That I feel anyone can pick up. I mostly read parenting books, memoirs, romance - just kidding!, alot of non-fiction regarding home finances (example -The Cheapest Family in America), cooking, parenting (lots), adoption, education, crafts and consumer economics. I guess that seems repetitive. I don't watch TV. No one in our house does. We have videos and we play video games and get our news from the internet and media print. We will probably get the basic cable back ( we had satellite before ) to watch Survivor and American Idol. But other than that we all could care less about it. We get plenty of screen time from the other sources, but I am to busy for even that at times. What shows do you enjoy?

I will be volunteering tomorrow and then we will be heading out to the beach for a last minute get away. I look forward to visiting the west coast in the next couple of years and I have always wanted to show the kids the Las Vegas strip, with it's growing attractions. I remember having a great time there as a kid. I hear circus circus is quite run down. I look forward to having this relationship grow with you slowly and perhaps we would visit you. Not any time soon.

You will have to keep me updated on the best places to stay.... who has the best pool for kids? Really, I love to research places to visit. We do not gamble or drink, so the nite life is unimportant. But I have seen lots of advertising about some really neat stuff there. Such as the Beatles show, New York, bellagio fountains, pirate ship, and oh, I dunno.... you know what I mean. We are so done with Medieval Times, I suppose my family is not but, I have seen it so many times. We saw it in Orlando, Myrtle beach and Maryland within a 2 year period. Brandon says he liked the food there!? LOL! Well I gotta get to bed...

Three boys, yes there will be more. We are adopting. We always have lots of kids in and out of our home. I can't say exactly what the situation will become, but I can say that we help out our local social services with respite for foster parents and grand parents, it's a big part of my charity. I understand the displacement of moving often, usually for them it's due to other circumstances like drugs, no father in home, poverty. But, I understand the loss and grief issues. My childhood is based throughout many different places, helping others is very therapeutic for me.

I am primarily a SAHM. I also substitute through out the school system, I really enjoy helping children/ teens. I love the teenagers! It is however strange to substitute at the high school when I have never attendant it myself. The school only requires a class and a college OR high school transcript. So, my transcript from Bryman has gotten me pretty far. I will eventually go back to school but, I am very happy to be available to my family and all that goes with that.

Ayn Rand... are you a libertarian?

So, do you like it in the desert? I recall it being very bleak? I suppose every place has it's good/bad qualities. Since you live out there you should read Glass Castles, the beginning starts out that way.

As you know by now, hence your online ad looking into my where abouts via Shenandoah connections, Mark B. I ran into him about 6 weeks ago at a local eatery when he stumbles out a random statement about your ad ( shame on you!

please do not do this anymore ) any how, Mark has ADHD and OCD and is quite a character. He is one person many do not get close with because he is way forward and obnoxious at times. But, he has a kind heart and caring spirit. The people I sold my business to - have sort of run him out of the shop because, they are pretty privy to entertaining those who spend money in the establishment, and Mark does not. He just peddles his online services and takes table space up. I always referred to him as a harmless guy. So, when he shared with me the description of me to you he used, I knew it was him. The part that I was not prepared for was the kids questions of why you would post something like that, they heard Mark ..... well, I hope you do not bridge my personal life in that media again. I have worked hard to become my kids mom and not the restaurateur, my daily routine/social life used to be apart of many lives here and I would rather exist with much privacy

. My shop continues to succeed with new personalities without me, ..... Thank God!

So, I have not left the area at all...... The Cafe has strict orders not to give my personal information out to anyone, I do hear about people trying to get in touch with me from time to time. So, now you know enough for now. You know where I am employed seasonally and where my charitable means begin.... I trust that, that is enough and you will not randomly ask them about me ... because we have calmed everything down to a mature and giving tone, right!

Thanks for all the tips on Las Vegas.... Yes I remember the dolmas.I love them! I used to serve them at the shop. The new owners are not interested in creating food from scratch and have taken out some ingredients that did not reflect their own heritage. The menu is basically the same but the dolma's, curry chicken salad, tabooli, and baklava are no longer listed. Oh well!

I too would rather enjoy my own food. Going out to eat is quite costly for our family.

One of my favorite restaurants is Lebanese Taverna in Northern VA. I don't go often. I do find that Middle Eastern and European food is my favorite. I do not care for Thai food. When I had the shop I employed a Chef, who was trained from Le Cordon Bleu and he loved Thai food, it seemed to be a hot thing.... He was a great chef, taught me so, much. My love for food stems from your creativity and love for diversity. I later had to fire him, a long story that help me come to the conclusion of wanting to sell.....it was a long 5 years.

I do not like alcohol, I am not sure exactly where this stems from - other then I can tell you that I ended up stocking alot of wine over 300 labels and sales were great as long as you wined and dined people, when I fired the chef I cut back tremendously and I became pretty indignant to selling it..... I hated serving or selling it to the public. Many of the customers were very lonely, demanding and egocentric. So, when I sold the shop I purposely downsized that area - with the understanding that who ever purchased the shop could be able to pursue the wealth in it once again ... and they did!

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Ok...so that is three boys. Anymore?? Not a surprise about James' coloration, but I bet his hair will darken considerably with age. I bet he (as well as all your boys) are absolutely adorable. You are quite beautiful and Jon is an attractive man. I always thought that you two were a good match in many ways. Both of you are determined, intelligent and focused. You have made your life so that it will do nothing but bring successes to you and your family. I am very proud of both of you, and I should say ALL of you.

As far as reading goes, I stick with history, history and more history (Greece and mediterranean region), both ancient and modern. I dabble sometimes in classics and try out books like Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, but quickly lose interest if they try to combine non-fictional accounts with fiction, except if it is by James Michener or someone equally good. Otherwise, I don't bother. Nothing too controversial or it affects my attitude too much. I have to admit tht if it wasn't written simply enough for a jr. high schooler to read, I lose interest.

As far as TV goes, I haven't watched it for over three years now, and am not missing a thing. All the news I need to know I get as headlines on AOL. I did however before I moved here, watch Idol, and kept up on it throught the years via internet. But no, no TV here either. We have a good collection of videos and DVDs if we want entertainment. We have all the Les Miserables and the most recent one I watched was Ruffian. It really hit me hard to watch that and I cried.

We live (as you probably know) only 1.5 hrs from Las Vegas and when the opportunity permits, we go there when ever we can. I know it VERY well. We seem to always stay at Luxor (the pyramid), one time stayed in the suite at the tippie top...it was the BEST ever, besides those suites I used to have when you were little like at MGM Grand and Caesars, but I love Bellagio during the holiday season and it has become a tradition.

We like Mandalay Bay and our favorite buffets are the MGM Grand and Caesars. We've tried just about all of them, and have sampled many of the restaurants, but because both Charles and I are foodies and it was my profession at one time, and Charles manages a restaurant and is a very good cook with very good taste (when we were in California he turned down an offer for a position at Stokes Adobe restaurant as a sous-chef), we like to eat at home instead of forking out $200 a person for something we can do at home. We are both pretty anal about food...LOL.

We don't gamble, but we do drink responsibly. I like tequila and Charles likes bourbon whisky. He is actually becoming quite a conoisseur of certain spirits. When we were in KY last year Charles gave up beer for Blantons KY whisky. The bottles are collectibles depicting Thoroughbreds in racing form. He hasn't had a beer since.

Our favorite food when we are in Las Vegas is either finding and critiquing asian (mainly Thai) restaurants or finding a fabulous hamburger. Remember when we would go to Disneyland I would bring homemade dolma?? I haven't changed, just got more anal. Remember you ordering perrier with a twist at age four? You're the same...when I have a steak and potato I still ask management what variety was the potato?where did it come from?where was the beef raised? if they can't answer I won't go back...LOL.

We ALWAYS have a great time without spending silly amounts of money in Las Vegas. We have our usual toast under the Eiffel Tower at Paris! Casino. Like to visit the stores at Bellagio, Monte Carlo and New YorkNewYork. Every 5th Avenue type store is there. We usually park at either Bellagio (great security) or Luxor and just walk around. The fountains at Bellagio are breathtaking. The pirate ship at Treasure Island has changes. They are more into adult type entertainment. I hear that Hard Rock Casino is good but haven't been there. Wynn is opulent and in my opinion, overpriced for food and lodging. But great if you want to window shop. We will be going there during Christmas season (as usual) and also because of our anniversary which is December 13th. There is also the Cowboy Christmas at Mandalay Bay and the National Finals Rodeo at Thomas and Mack Center which we haven't gone to (yet) but we do go to the Cowboy Christmas thing.

I really love being close to Las Vegas but not living there. It is a very large sprawling place and it was interesting to see it grow. Another favorite place is Palm Desert/Palm Springs area. I lived in Rancho Mirage for a year or so, worked at Betty Ford Rehab as a cook and did private cooking and caregiving thru an agency. Made really good money. But then bought a house and then commuted 70 miles each way. Was hard to do all that and have a life, so quit working there, but it is BY FAR one of my favorite places to LIVE and visit very short term. My favorite places are Middleburg, VA, Springhill, TN, Palm Springs, CA and the Las Vegas strip. I'd like to go to Hawaii.

OK...I have to go to town now and run errands. TTYL...

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Do you ask all those questions when you go out? How pretentious, potatoes!!

LOL, I suppose it depends on where you are at.... I could not stand dealing with people who were like that!

LOL! i am very brief when I go out..... I remember Gary and you would practically become best friends with the staff at food places..... do you still do that? In case you can't guess, I do not discuss anything other then my needs for my food. Just the facts.... I suppose I have always been this way.....

it's late, I have to get ready to go to the beach and I just came back from volunteering at the High School concession stand then to Brandons Friend's house then to check my e-mail and now to bed.... good night

I have been meaning to sit down and write you a note but, yes I get sidetracked and I am somewhat bad at prioritizing my e-mails.

I do have a garden... it's gone now. We grew some big Pumpkins and I was planning to put them in the fair but, I lost interest in the process of getting them there! The best one had some defects anyhow. So, I will try next year.

Our garden had watermelon, cantaloupe, cukes, corn, crooked neck squash, peas, green beans, Cherry tomatoes, strawberries and hmmm I can't remember... Zucchini.

I wish I could grow olives here. I found out that Thomas Jefferson had tried olives here and it did not work... I though that maybe they would have some variety that would work by now...

We had one grape vine that existed for a while... it didn't produce any fruit anymore. I think we may get some fruit trees, cherry and an apple.

I look forward to seeing your progress with your olives and grapes.... very neat! Will you "brine" them or sell them raw?

You sell at the Farmer's Market? Will this be your 4th year selling or 4th year that the market has been established? I go to mine sometimes... It's a nice bunch. Thomas got a painted gourd last time. It's a tiny one that is on a necklace. Then we went to a fair and he got another necklace with a bear claw. He seem to have always collected things randomly. I have to try hard to reason with his "collections" he is a very special child. Today is early dismissal so, I am taking the two youngest to the children's Museum to play around. Brandon will be with his friends, skateboarding!

I substituted this week in Agriculture, yeah it was interesting.... welding and carburetors.

Then I subbed in P.E. one of my favorites... I like to play with the kids... It was the high school students. Then I subbed in special ed and that gets boring; cut, paste and glue with the elementary kiddo's. They are good though.

Winter has not come for us yet, It's been hot till yesterday. I suppose fall is finally here. We do not have prepare much for the winter weather I suppose? Well, I do in the likes of clothing everyone and going through the kid's clothes and finding who fits what and what size has everyone grown to... it's on going. I do pretty good at keeping the clothing organized. I hate to pair socks. Obviously we do not have any livestock. Just the cat and three dogs. Two beagles Uncle Remus and Belle - they are older from the pound. and Then I got Jon an anniversary gift of a Boston Terrier " Miss Molly". She just turned 1 this July and we had a party for her, she got sick! too many different dog treats. Jon has always wanted one and I just could not see the commitment of another animal. So, I suprised him with her, it was pretty exciting - the kids and I got her and put her in James crib. When Jon came home we told him to check on the baby and we all stood around waiting for him to return...he was so shocked to find a tiny puppy and not his son. It was pretty funny. But, she has been wonderful, she is mostly indoors. The beagles stay out, we have the invisible fence. I do not like dogs inside at all. But Molly has done well. She has graduated from her crate to Thomas' room where she sleeps with him. The cat "Panda" was Brandon's Xmas gift 4 years ago - that cat is best friends with Molly. They love each other. They play and bathe each other.Haven't heard from you for awhile...figure you are busy with life and all. Hope all is well with you and everyone.

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Signs of winter are upon us. The horses are getting their winter coats, the night time temps are in the 40s, high in the daytime is high 70s which is a welcome cold. Time to get out the blankets!

We traded in our 2002 Chevy diesel crew cab truck for a couple of new ones. I owed nothing on it so we got $18,000 trade-in value to apply to another vehicle, so we did the smart thing by getting a new SUV and a new Ford F-350 dually. While the other truck was great for our use, it was getting a little tired, and it wasn't displaying the same power it had before. And I had an excuse to get something newer and under warranty. The insurance was a surprise though

. It tripled.

I've sold nearly half of my horses, leaving the ten best. Most are young'uns. And we have increased our chicken population and extended our garden/grove plans. As much as I'd like to sell the ranch and go where it is greener and more water, I don't think we'll find a better value, plus Charles is pretty settled where he works. So we'll be selling veggies and herbs at the Farmers Market next year. We are entering our fourth year here.

Our anniversary (1st one) will be in mid December and we will combine all holidays into one on that day (we decided this recently) because we are always so busy for holidays and weekends we can't get away. You know how restaurants and retail are... We go to Las Vegas for time off and this year will be no exception. With the ranch and all, it is hard to get away...but I honestly like it that way. I'll be planting a lot of olives and grapes this coming spring. We had a fabulous test garden (herbs, tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, onions and cukes) and now its full speed ahead! I bet you have a nice garden every year. We will do heirlooms primarily.

Sorry I am just rambling. Just wanted to write to you.

Love,
Mom

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Veronica,
I am sure you have seen this poem. It was on a friends site and it just made me a little pensive. Now that you are a parent, I hope you never have this kind of grief. I sure did. You don't have to reply, I just wanted to send it to you.

Just FYI...We are buying another piece of property in the next month or so. We are looking midwest. Don't worry, it's not Virginia. I just want to spend the remaining time in my life as happy as I am now...just to keep it on hold. We're keeping this ranch, but moving the horses of course. Want to live where its greener...we'll do the olives there. It's pretty far off the beaten path. Why the appearingly sudden change?? Well, we have lived pretty primitively for four years. I don't get a bath all winter unless we go to a hotel. I am tired of the wind and the washes running stranding me here for hours. I have seen too many rattlesnakes and a woman died recently not too far away from a snake bite. I just don't want to spend the remaining time of my life living this way in fear of snakes. I've tried to stay easy to access just in case any of my relatives found it in their hearts to visit one day, but I lost that hope. Soon we will be shutting off satellite and other communications just to take the pressure off of me. I pretty much kept visibility so that if someone wanted to bring a little sunshine my way, they would know where I was. I give up now...We're going to be saving money and utilizing it towards things that really care about us...Charles' family is pretty much disbanded and his father is going to live out of his RV in Kansas, at his brothers, so we have nothing to keep us here, or visible. I just don't want to try anymore. I am glad however that we did have a little time to communicate and there is no more grudge.

I love you, but it has to work both ways...you don't have to reply. I understand. You have your own life but it would be nice to have been appreciated all these years instead of blown off. The times I needed a hug from someone who loved me besides my husband just doesn't exist for me. I haven't heard I love You from you since you were a small child. You don't even refer to me as "mom". I get it...it's ok.

When you were 15,
your mom came home from work,
looking for a hug.
You thanked her by
having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16,
she taught you how to drive her car.
You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17,
she was expecting an important call.
You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18,
she cried at your high school graduation.
You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19,
she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags.
You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 25,
she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you.
You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.

When you were 50,
she fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.

And then, one day, she quietly died.
And everything you never did came crashing
down like thunder on YOUR HEART.

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I can't say I've seen the poem..... not really into poetry much. Thanks, that was very thoughtful of you to share your feelings. I can understand how you feel, but those are your feelings and they are real, but they are not mine. I can not offer you much as far as relating to the message.... sounds very self loathing. Are you lonely or depressed because of the lost time between us? I am sorry you feel that way.

Yikes! Snake bites, no bathing, storms,-That sounds pretty rough.You are such a tough cowgirl!

Where in the midwest? Sounds like a fun adventure. It will be interesting to see where you land. I hope things work out for you and your family.

Of course I love you. I told you that lots, perhaps not in the last 14 years or so for obvious reasons. But, I have always loved you. Did you need to hear that? Let's just get to know eachother again as adults, Ok?

We have had a busy couple of weeks.Halloween Parties and lots of events going on at school. Each kid seems to have there own social plans and I am going in many directions. It's all good. I would not have it any other way.

James went Trick or Treating last night for the first time. He was so good. He kept his Pumpkin costume on and even said "Thank You". Thomas was Grim Reaper, no more cute costumes anymore! Brandon was a skater! duh.......

Please be patient with me, you get so pushy.

Veronica

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Thank you for your kind words. I stated that I was not ready to share them with you yet. There is alot of randomness over the internet similar to walking in a public place to me it's similar. One would have to know you are there to find you, in most cases. I was not ready to share yet..... but it seems that you found out through my new meet up group.... I wanted to organize things locally and help other mom's meet up. It has been pretty fun so far. It was not Ok for you to join, this is what I mean when I stated to you about the Shenandoah connections - the local website that you posted on to find information about me, that was very desparate on your account again this seems to be a current method of how you operate.... Please do not invite yourself when you are not invited.

I live in Edinburg. I know you have been reading into the meet up group and everything.... it's based in Woodstock. I have a PO Box there as well.

You have not been reading for months.You look good! So does everyone else in your family. It's been interesting catching up with all the things you do. Funny how someone who told me that you keep your children private, you certainly have them all over the web. You are very unfair to keep them from me. Brandon looks JUST like his father...

Hometown: Woodstock???

I've been reading just about everything you have put on the internet for many months. I wanted to see your reaction if you knew I was lurking about...ROFLMAO. It was exactly as I expected. Slammed the door on me again...hey, this time it didn't hurt me.

You know, you may look good on the outside, but you're really something else on the inside...keep burying yourself...you can run, but you can't hide from the truth. You can pretend to be a good mommie but good mommies have healthy relationships with their OWN mommies. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Oh that's right. You're driving your own ship...slammed me out of your life (ahem...your perfect life) again. It ain't so perfect. What goes around comes around. If I sound sarcastic, well, what do you expect?? If I sound perturbed, well, not so much anymore. What is really hilarious is that if you saw me you would probably run screaming as though I am the BOOGIE MONSTER. I would laugh now instead of cry.

Hey here's a good topic for you to discuss with all your friends...why do you hate me so much?

I feel sorry for you...I am not what you think I am. I never was. Oh unless you consider hurt. YOu've done a great job of that. But I think I know why you are so driven. Inside that little mind of yours you think you are out-doing me or showing me up. Whatever...

Real women have healthy relationships with their REAL family and don't trash their mother. I NEVER treated my mother the way you treat me. I regret however how I put my life on hold and gave you so much of my SELF while you were growing up.

Good-nite and hope you have a good conscience...

Remember when you said you'd like to have me taken off your birth certificate as your mother? (How evil...) well, if you find out a way let me know...I'd rather say I don't have any children and never did. There. Now am I evil enough for you?? Does that make you feel better??????

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Yikes this email is going down the wrong path! It is pretty scary to be on the receiving end of such ? I dunno. I really don't know what to say. None of this or anything I do defines who I am completely. It is simply the details that you have read. They are my opinions and reflections. That's all. I don't feel responsible for your results or feelings. I can however say that I wish not to reply to you if it is going to be like this. Please share with me a postive path for us and I can assure you I will be here for you. You sound so scared and hurt and yet there is a new road available if you are ready to join me. If not that is OK too.

Veronica

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K how else do I keep a connection with you if you don't keep a connection with me? I was keeping a connection with you- you got scared and desperate and sent a email that was not a positive one. IMO you were trying to get my attention and in the future FYI I will not respond It started out that I wanted to just know and then one thing leads to another. Do I not have a right?? No, you don't have a right to anyone's will, People make choices to give you what ever information they want to. You simply had other expectations of how things should go. This is about you not me.

OK I worded it wrong. I wasn't reading FOR MONTHS but I have read months of your posts over the last few days. Excuse me for my lack of eloquence.

The meetup groups are good. I tried to be on one in this area for my interests but there are no groups that interest me. That's how I came across it. Through a woman I sold a horse to who has a MYspace and I went ahead and posted one too, but I have other things to do than sit down and write a public journal. Yeah, I had friends that joined Myspace and I thought it was ridiculous. Then I had a friend that moved away and I wanted to stay I touch. I found CafeMom through an adoption support group - there are many adoption related topics posted and so I joined to learn something and journal for fun. I NEVER thought of myself belonging to any type of social network community. Then I recently started the meet up group to organize my circle of friends and introduce new mom to cafemom for support. I also wanted to organize a calendar of things for families to do. I stared to on Myspace but I got as far as talking about my cow. I just don't care about dealing with most people. Yesterday for example I went to Insweb to get different insurance quotes for our new vehicles. I filled out the tedious forms and submitted them. Today we were in town and the phone had a message on it. I listened to it and it was from an insurance agent nearby to where we were, so we stopped in for the "quote". The woman was rude and asked the same stupid questions I had taken my time to fill out on the internet form and I started to seethe. Then she got redundant. Charles asked me if I was ready to end this session and I said yes, made her shred our information and it just rattled my cage really bad. I would have gotten really ugly if she said another stupid thing to me. Charles usually handles all the idiots and keeps them way far away from me as I have ZERO tolerance for it. Remember you said in one of your first notes to me that I was social and accommodating to people and got along with others? (This is my paraphrase, not a quote) Well, I am at the other end of the spectrum. I am really quiet and take it all in, and generally do not take stupid easily. I prefer to stay at the ranch and deal with the livestock. I suppose people say stupid things but, You sound very critical and judgmental - My only guess is that your ill expessions with people may be a reflection of how you have been treated in the past/present - therefor you also share this belief with others. I don't think this is a new choice with you perhaps you have experienced some negative things that has globally changed how you exchange information with strangers. This is your agreement that you have made with the "world" per se..... it doesn't have to be that way. IMO it is a very unhealthy. Being trapped in personal importance or taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness - because you are assuming that they are assuming that you are stupid because they are asking stupid questions.... it can be an endless cycle if you let it happen. We all have empty exchanges with people and to take it all personally is too much responsibility..... why are you weighting yourself with such blasphemy?

I am sorry if the tone of my post to you last night was nasty. I am just frustrated. I had a bad relationship with Gary, he was an absolute ass to deal with and is finally totally out of the picture with his new wife who looks exactly like a toad. Butt-ugly. Who cares? I am glad he's moved on, do you think they are typing on to there friends about how ugly your husband is? You sound jealous, what difference does it make? Let it go....My pressures lately are getting a suitable appraisal (we have it coming) on twenty acres in an area (this area) where no one has used a realtor to sell anything for over a year (too high commissions-12-16%?????), get a decent rate (average is 14%) on a loan for $80k (not even 50%LTV on ten acres) using property as collateral, relocating ten horses and a Corriente cow to where its greener, and then listing this property for sale in six months. Then a neighbors property came up available at a steal as he is divorced, so we are thinking about buying that and renting it out (ten acres with three houses on it). A whole lot of math....

I'll get on a better path in my communication with you, ok?

Don't panic if I don't reply, this is a developing thing for me to be in contact - I expected this - However I can only tolerate little bits at a time.... Keep it positive for me.

I know what you mean when you said that its similar to walking in a public place... My profile is private now. You got a peek.... Please do not assume that I want to share things right now. Your emotions are a little more then I can handle.... I did not expect you to post on my profile either. I suppose you you may have a better general idea of how I feel from a public view. " where's your mom" is not a subject that is discussed among friends at all - you have no worries in the sense that I share my hardships with everyone .... I don't. I have way too much everyday stuff to keep busy with.

I have sensed a worry from you to correct all the disagreements we have online and that is just crazy to think that it would happen. It can't be.

Puppies, puppies, puppies.... you are very good at taking-in animals. Laura that is sweet... no we do not need any puppies! Thomas would like a kitten for Xmas.... I am not sure if it will happen. It's hard because Brandon wanted one years ago and we were able to do that for him. I think we may wait a little longer till the interest in "taking" care of one is stronger then just wanting one!

I am glad that you figured out where your next adventure will take you. Missouri is a long drive - during the winter too! Yikes! I have sort of been there - with our various journey's. I remember spinning out in Nebraska during a snowstorm in that old station-wagon... we made it...

That's great that you are in love. Everyone should have someone to call there own. You sound very happy.

The comments on my social life are incorrect. I have not said anything personally to insult your friends or your family. The comments are contemptible and unwanted.

The comments regarding you stating that I think/said over and over about you being a loser.... I dunno. I don't think you are a loser! So there, we cleared that one up....... : )

I am looking for balance within this relationship. This is not how I make or continue friendships with anyone. The assumptions are unwanted. This is not a competition. I am very happy for you and you are happy for me. I will bet that we both love our families very much, I would never assume any different, we are family. Who cares if I have friends? I have flaws but that is not one of them! I do take a big interest in my children's activities and arrange mom related events. I enjoy a balance of mom's night out and time with Jon without the kid's. It's all good : ) I do not put them before my family.

Why would I want to be friends with you if you would say such rude things to me? I don't need to know how much everything costs or what you buy or eat to make a decision on whether you are a good person or not? I can decide that all by myself. So far you are being quite careless with everything that has begun... I am unsure of how this will work. How can I share things with you?

What are you in need of that you decide to say careless things to me? I am rethinking this connection. I do not want this type negative spite fullness In my life. Be yourself and be your best, I will do the same. I understand that may differ from day to day.

Have you forgotten that I do love you? We all tend to defend those we love.... I worry about your love for me? Please keep these negative feelings to yourself or share them with your husband - they only hurt any progress we have made.

Have a great Thanksgiving with your family, friends and animals!

Veronica

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Thank you for the e-card - I have never responded to them before because I always thought that it was just junk mail.... I am glad - I did not discard yours. I wonder how many others I have deleted, yikes?

We all wish you a nice Thanksgiving too!

Veronica

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Just wanted to send you a note and let you know we are doing fine.

I do not like to Christmas shop much - too much traffic!.... We are choosing to do most of it on line.

James is too young to have any "real" preferences.... he would love a big box to play in! He has recently stated that he wants to be a Cowboy - do not know where that came from? I suppose from my father in law... He goes to the Calgary Stampede each year... we are not horse people by any means at all... I know you love the horsey stuff. He enjoys other parts of the event. James has been liking Thomas the train..... something Thomas never liked! Funny how that works! Thomas is undecided. He mostly wants a kitten and he also comes up with his own ideas of items or gifts that just simply do not exist! He was describing a game that would teach him Japanese, would be nice.... so we have though of many different things like books,tapes, Cd's and other learning aides. But he insists on a specific form through his Nintendo DS system.... that will only do. But again it does not exist! LOL

Brandon wants Skateboarding stuff and you know how it goes.... teens are very specific! So, we will most likely get him those things he needs.... which can only be purchased on line through the skateboarding company. We do have a skate shop in Harrisonburg and it's great but, right now with the holiday season.... it's easier to take him there and buy his specific needs, or buy gift certificates.

I suppose we could just surprise our kids ( which we always do include some surprises) but, we do want to meet some of there needs. It is hard because we have three boys ... we have so much boy stuff! We tend to not buy much during the rest of the year and but stuff at there B-Days and Xmas that way it does seem more special. I suppose we are no different then most parents.

How will you celebrate the holidays?

Thank you for the CafeMom invite. I read over your posts and I think right now I will pass. Your profile does not offer me a safe and understanding place to exchange anything positive. I was disappointed in seeing so much anger and self loathing. I hope you are able to turn our recent and future communications into a positive journey. I do consider that it may be a constant link to a past trauma for you. Please do not continue to abuse the past as a scapegoat for the future - it will suffocate any real positive exchanges that we could be making..... such as CafeMom..... I was waiting and hoping that in - future responses could take shape there. Now that does not seem like a safe and understanding place for me or us.

I saw the group you created about parents who children "hate" them.... just to clarify things - I do not hate you : ) nor do I want you to be removed from my birth certificate perhaps I was a teenager when that was said, I dunno? Teenagers, were we like that! LOL

I have read lots of parenting books and teens run the gambit of doing many disastrous things, so do parents. At this point we should all have or develop over time a mature and adult like response to such harsh feelings/statements... "teen drama" it exists for others and sometimes rarely a few. As a parent of a teen, and the foster parent and the committee member of many parenting and High school related groups.... I can tell you that I have seen and heard much discord with many teens and parents. I have grown to accept the many crazy learning curves that exist for many young adults teens through the young 20's for many. After Jon and I turned 30, Jon and I can agree that we do not trust anyone under 30! I suppose the same will be said for us when we turn 40!

I do not offer you any pain. Perhaps the exchanges are painful for you and you wish to hold onto your pain longer... I dunno. Only you can clear up a realistic view of what is being exchanged between us and from where I am standing I only have simple, love to offer... no strings attached no greed no jealousy towards those who love you or you love, no stereo typing in the face of dysfunction or guilt, no hatred for who you are now or who you were 20 years ago, no control of wanting you to be something you can not be, no control over anyone's feelings or fears.... just come as you are and I believe that is what you are doing.

Please do not be harsh towards my needs when you do simply go in a negative path... I accept that, that might be where you chose to go..... I love you unconditionally, please accept this christmas gift and pass it along : )

It's nice to know that you are leaving positive replies on my postings

.... I had not planned for you to be reading them and responding.... In one way it is nice because I know how much love is between us but in another way it feels awkward

- because you created this group about kids whose parents hate them ( now it's don't like) - It is such an odd thing thing to have created? I would never think of doing that

... even if I was hurting. I have deleted my latest post, replies... and it's not because you have not been kind. It's just I had said to you that i needed it to be private until I felt comfortable... that's all

. I suppose I will think about what I post... CafeMom is my softplace that I found to seek advice on adoption/fostercare situations....I hope you have found some new friends are interesting groups to chill with.

It is a hard decision for me to go back to work but a necessary one that is not as big of a deal as I am making it out to be. I knew that within time I would have to find the right job and contribute in a way that meets everyones needs.

I have had few attempts.... But nothing that quite fit.... I like trying stuff out per diem or part time first. I think that luxury or trial period has shown me where I feel I would like to be. It will either be back with Valley Health Systems - I worked there for 9 years, Excellent - strict and very giving employer. I did find a job there that was great but the delayed the job here locally in Woodstock and offered me per diem till the dept worked through the expansion issues with the hospital... the plans were canceled and I decided it was not worth driving up to Winchester for 6 hours- 1 day a week for.... they understood.... Before that I worked part time for a large Doctors office in Urology and Internal Medicine.... It was great in the sense I got a shorter work week during the summer... I only wanted to work part time... then they had staff shortages and I ended up working alot and with out a salary increase- They referred to me as the Office Manager... but did not want to offer me a salary increase... That's when I went to the Hospital which as you can see did not work out...

I have been pretty straight forward with employers about only wanting to work Part time but, It just does not work out that way. I have not burned any bridges and found the employers to be great friends. In fact the Urologist was from the Ozarks! He is a super nice guy... I know a lot about medicine and the restaurant industry... When you mentioned waitressing I suppose it's easy money but, it was a good line of work when I was a teen - which was when I waited tables 13 - 19... but, I would not want to do it again... it's not my expertise - strength.... besides I sold my shop to get away from the service/hospitality business. Not for me.

I enjoy working with children. I hope to find the right job in the school system, that's why I sub (since the spring) or in the county system.... a gravy job. I need some down time at least for now. The hospital again would be good but, I do not want to travel farther then my 10 mile area... with the cost of gas, it does not seem feasible. The local hospital is apart of the system and it is rare to see a job that meets my needs but, it does happen.

I am sharing this with you not so you will job hunt for me. I know you are a great headhunter!... I have lots of people looking for me in the system... I just had to express my need! That's how I heard of the "gravy" job : ) I will catch you up...

I also created two pending charitable organizations and although they do not create any real means of income ( they actually create bills!) plus it still takes time to produce the energy that they require to keep the wheels turning. The last project had to do with collecting luggage for the needy in the community both foster kids and adults... it's mainly about recycling and helping others. It ties into many other things... I coordinate a fair for children related businesses and it has many legs....The truth is that these things also take time and money to fuel and I have been excited to launch something that helps people and bring joy to my life like a creative venture... I suppose that is why I seek a gravy job.... it's about balance. My kids volunteer too. My philanthropy efforts started when I opened the shop... I wanted to involve books into the plan and I did with the help of a friend and the local women's shelter ( which I stayed at after we had our falling out- please do not feel the need to respond to this - I needed somewhere to go and that is where I stayed for 2 weeks - it's just a fact that's all, I am thankful for the experience : ) ) The books still exist on a smaller scale... the new owners were bidding to remove the oddity but, it serves such a purpose for the shop and the community. I am glad it still exists and provides some financial support to the shelter as well as exposure. The shelter received luggage as well. We collected over 300 items and distributed them to a three county area.

In the spring I will collect personal hygiene products from the public... I am a part of many school board committees and the superintendent allowed for us to collect from each school site as well as hold my Children related business fair from the school property. They have been very kind and I enjoy the progress we have made... this was the first official year...there is just much I do volunteer wise that - I now have to pick and choose... I am hopeful that it will lead to something more promising... I did think I had an option at the Children's museum, but I do not want to travel that far everyday.

I have lived in this community for almost 15 years! I never known what it was like to become such a part of a community... that commitment to a community is a very important quality to me.... it motivates me to focus connections. It is a trail or signature of sorts with every project I involve myself with. Because of us living a very transient life, it has shaped for me how I see many things. It has been an important history of how I spent the first half of my life... and so relating to the rest of my life it is very small in comparison to what I shall experience and or recieve in the future. It's funny... Do you remember the girl Tammy.. I used to be friends with? ( were still friends) She is running for a local political seat.... it's strange to see that. I suppose many people may take for granted that they see the people they graduated with from school everyday... I don't have the exact experience but, I have several ties and relationships that bind me to this area that I will not take for granted or pass off as sentimental. It's my choice and I am loving it! It doesn't mean it is perfect... it is flawed with different experiences but, I flowed with it and it has been what I wanted.

Well, I have to go pick Brandon up and go to bed soon. I hope that you enjoyed what I shared with you.

I want you to also know that you have always been loved and that you have sparked much imagination/curiosity in my life. I am greatful for most of our flawed perfection... life has away of creating things for a purpose. You were granted the opportunity to parent me the best you could and I was granted the opportunity to be there for you as a child. I am grown up now (you know what I mean), and all though I may not confer with you as much as we may like... I am still here for you for health and for a connection of family. However imperfect it seems. Please resist the feeling you may have to regess into checking up on me... I will share with you, when I feel I am comfortable and I would only you expect to do the same.

From all of us - Veronica, Jon, Brandon, Thomas, and James

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Ok, Did I miss something? I need to clear up what you mean? You said you are dropping out of CafeMom? OK, I get that. It was not our only connection.... at all - We have been emailing since June.....Cafemom was just recently.

And dropping out out sight altogether? So, What you really mean is that you do not wish to communicate again? I find this confusing?

I suppose if you do not respond - I guess that does anwser my question, I dunno. This is very strange.

Just wanted to write you a quick note.

We are planning to go to Charlottesville tomorrow.... so, I will have more to share later. We go to Monticello often...

I am sorry about your recent losses. I know you loved your horses very much.

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I hope you had a nice Xmas. We had a very nice time.... lots of presents, food and busy - ness. The kids were up early as expected. All the gifts were successful....

Brandon got 5 skateboards, wheels, and other skateboard stuff, money, a Zune ( the new Ipod) and colonge from Hollister, books, socks, underware, clothes etc

Thomas got a japanese/english book of words, Nintendo DS games, block maze with marbles, Knex roller coaster ( it's big like 5 feet!), money, books, boardgame, socks, bedtime clothes, etc...

James got a Thomas the tank pop up tent, elmo toys, Thomas the Tank flash light, clothes, lots of tractor stuff, bob the builder computer thing, cars, Playskool toy called "honeybee hop" that all the kids have loved, and some other Playskool toys that have tails that you attach and play tag with... lots of fun

What did you give yourself?

I opted out... I only wanted homemade stuff.... I got money and gift certificates/cards (mall card, american express and Cracker Barrel) and a beautiful framed picture of a bee and a flower from Thomas!!! It was the best gift ever. I also got some socks from Brandon... he opted out on the whole homemade thing..HA! I am sort of a baugh humbug with regards to presents and gifting.... Jon really goes out of his way to find the right gift for everyone, he does not go overboard either.

We did some after Xmas sales, not much to brag about. I was looking for a tree skirt and some decor on sale.... dislike the traffic and hoop la it brings out but, we ventured off into it a bit.

I don't have much to share on the adoption or job front... I would think later on after the holidays, things may change.

Sounds like you have a moving plan that's always evolving and changing too.

I wanted to share with you some brief highlights. I was thinking of you and think of you often and I hope that you are well. Please remember that I love you very much.

I will check back with you later...

Veronica

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All Lies Kill

Monday, October 15, 2012

Words with Veronica 2007 - High Anxiety

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