Dear Self,
You know I have always been a person who has not been confrontational, but I now wish I was not a very nice person and I wish I was a fire breathing dragon who could incinerate people who are mean, cruel and selfish. Unfortunately, I will probably always be caring and retreating. But I do realize that for the most part, people are evil and not good in their core and will take advantage of a situation if their ego is directing it. Isn't that the whole point of the Bible?
As you know, my dream so to speak, was to have a caring husband, a nice house in the country and children who looked up to me and were loving and kind. I also had a dream to breed & sell nice quality horses, attend shows and pick up a few ribbons. I dreamed to have a store where people would come by and chat about the weather, buy a piece of pound cake and some coffee and be glad I was there to serve them. So far, you were there when I have made countless attempts at having a wonderful relationship but in all instances the men all turned out to have been abusive alcoholics, so with three and a half marriages behind me, one child who avoids me like the plague and keeps her children a million miles away, I have let us down. I did breed nice horses, but have been disappointed that the horses that I have sold were physically driven into the ground and abused until their death, so I no longer sell or breed horses. I did achieve my dream of my own business but that too has fallen short of my expectations. I do have a nice house in the country but some days it is just an endless dump of beer cans and cigarette butts littered both insie and outside...you know I do not drink beer or smoke, but I am constantly picking up after and emotionally supporting someone who is absolutely head over heels in love with beer and smokes.
In retrospect, I should have listened to you, dear Self, when you said loudly not to marry anyone, do not have any children and just enjoy the life you can carve out for yourself. It would save a lot of future grief, but alas I did not listen to you, my inner self, and thought I would make a wonderful wife/partner and wonderful mother. At this time in my life, I regret having done both. I don't think I have a family member that cares about me, nor do I really care about them anymore because they don't respond or connect with me. Why do you think that is? I try to be attentive and say nice things and remember their special days, but they seem to deliberately forget that I have feelings as well, and they seemed to have forgotten that I enjoy a card or a phone call, just to let me know they are thinking nice things about me. Did they forget the summers we spent on the lake? Do they forget all the memories I still recall? Did they forget all the family get togethers and celebrations? I wish I could forget everything of the past just as they seemed to have. It would make life much easier to be like them.
And now, Dear husband Number 4...
What happened to the loving man who used to make me smile? Now all I hear is a dutiful I love you...with about the passion of a used tissue. It's no wonder I stare at the phone when it rings, dreading the dutiful call that is then cut short because of a stupid employee who needs attention. I can't understand why you don't replace HER? I remember a time when you couldn't wait to come home and now you don't even eat the meals that I make for you. I've been through this before and the ending is near, and I can't understand why we can't make this work as a team? You have declared yourself to be celibate. You've told me that the more you feel pressured to love me, the less you will be able to. So now it's going on three years and now you choose to leave for work by going out another door to avoid my contact. We don't have breakfast together, we rarely have dinner together. And you say its my fault. What did I do to be so tortured???
Last night when you pulled up, you were tired and you said the last thing you wanted to do was more work. You wanted to come in, have your beer and have dinner and read a book. Instead, you pulled up to a loose horse running around, dogs in a barking frenzy because they were excited to see you as usual and the loose horse stimulated their prey drive. To placate you, I opened the door and let all the dogs in the front room together, not thinking that I might be detained for awhile in rounding up the colt. I forgot in that split second that the bulldog had a vengeance going for Beretta for the last three days, and bitches always fight to the death. I FORGOT!!
I was overwhelmed.
I was yelling at you to help me because I was desperate to keep two stallions separate. You stood there, unemotional and yelled at me when I loudly and urgently pleaded you to help.I never had to ask you to help in this kind of situation before; usually you just respond. In a split second, I then understood that you were more upset over the fact that you were asked to do anything, than reacting and doing what had to be done. In my haste, I did not put the right dogs together and it cost Beretta her life. You cannot believe how upset I am and how I am beating myself up for letting your emotional outburst in a time of extreme need take over my logic and common sense I usually have in a dire emergency such as yesterdays was. I, alone, managed to get a previously untouched colt back in his paddock, by myself, by using my horse experience, understanding that you must think like a horse and use hay and the herd principle, Thank you, Donlara for your assistance, yet all you could do is stand on the sidelines and whine. And at the close of the evening, you refused to eat dinner that I had prepared under duress, while I sobbed for hours over Beretta's loss, you threw your wedding ring at me AGAIN because I was such an emotional mess and you stormed to bed saying 'leave me alone'. Once again, you had to blame me for what happened, when in actuality, you were the one who fails miserably at making sure this place is safely maintained. All I ever hear about is you and how great and important you are at work and how they can't function without you. How can two people who love each other despise each other so much? Yes, I was lied to about the bulldogs temperament. They touched lightly on the subject, but never fully disclosed why she has had so many owners...she's a killer! And when I confronted the past owner about the fact that she had just killed a perfectly innocent dog, it was denied that she had that ability. Another liar in denial. And when I left with the killer dog to dispose of her my way and not wanting to hear gunshots as I had had a very emotionally disturbing day, you got mad about that! I hear you say every single day how you are not compassionate, how cold your heart is and how unemotional you are, like you're bragging about it! I'm really tired of hearing that broken record...you are NOT incapable of passion, your heart is NOT cold and you are an extremely emotional person. Your ego is so much in the way and you use your affections or lack thereof as a weapon to control or destroy someone. You use love or the lack thereof, as a tool. You keep saying that an ideal life for you is to be left alone, have everything done for you, drink all the beer you want and read books all the time. Well, you better be careful because you're just about to get your wish.
What do I want? I want a partner. I want a person in my life who shares the same goals and interests. You seemed to be the right person for a few years, and then it all fell apart. I don't want to keep fighting to keep someone to walk alongside me. I am so busy caring for your needs and picking up after you that I cannot have a life outside of this one. I need to change that and find my SELF. She's buried here somewhere under this pile of your beer cans that I haven't picked up yet this morning.
For the umpteenth time, I've called my aging sister, e-mailed my nieces and nephews and send them messages on Facebook. Hello! I was thinking about you today and was hoping life is being as good to you, as you are so deserving! Drop me a line so I can send a little love your way. I love you, Your Aunt Diane. Of course, I get no reply, and to those who have a Facebook account, I am promptly blocked. Slam that door! Drop a bowling ball on my head. So out of my eight nieces and nephews, and their children, my sister and her husbands friends who have known me since childhood, I have only one person who has not picked me up and thrown me out of their private lives. And that person has changed their cell phone number and is not responding to even my sugariest of messages.
So what the Hell has happened???
I have sat back with pen and paper and made a list of each and every person and when the last time I had any face to face contact with them. I jogged down the dates and any thing I could remember from that last contact...anything I might have said that could have been so insulting as to not get even a solitary reply back from. Nope. Nope...and nope. The last conversations from them was mainly THEM asking me about the past, since I am the last "sane" and alive link to this side of the family's past.
I really want to know just what it was that made such a mass exodus from my life. All I know is what I can speculate as not one person will tell me anything. I spend countless hours...days...years working on the answer short of sending each person a court subpoena to come and tell me in front of a judge what the Hell I did to them that made them not want to have anything to do with me.
I write, call, drop notes and no one responds. OK. I can understand that. Or I'll try to understand that...but to go to such great lengths as to block me en toto so I cannot interact with them or see pictures of what they are doing, yet share all the same details with perfect strangers from as far as Australia!! I am perplexed...We share the same genetics, same DNA, same family names on our family tree. And it is becoming an obsession for me to get some answers. And you know what? After I get some answers, if you like, I'll go back under my rock and leave y'all alone.
