No Mr. Potato Head, Please

I am about to embark on a journey which if I keep the momentum, will not only change my life, but will put it back on track to being the life I was made to live. I am about to lose 100 lbs. I'm relatively healthy, more aerobically fit than most people who are 100 lbs. overweight because I am the sole caretaker of fifty plus farm animals. Not only do I have physical reasons to lose this weight, but mental and emotional ones as well. I didn't gain weight because I have a thyroid condition, or a bad back. I gained this weight because I found a much needed friend in food. Food is still my best friend, in fact now my best friend forever because I am going to discover different foods that still give me emotional satisfaction, yet are kinder to my body and heart.


A few years ago, when I turned fifty, a friend, who was a couple of years younger, and I had bone density tests done. My friend, Pat was someone who smoked like a fiend, never was very athletic or active, never had children to chase around, absolutely hated vegetables and smoked like a chimney. As a result, she had COPD, was diagnosed with early emphysema and had benign skin growths removed regularly. I, on the other hand, had smoked only when I was eighteen, and grew up with copious amounts of spinach, broccoli, fresh caught seafood and avocados. I shopped the food co-ops in Berkeley and was a member of one in Palo Alto, CA and sprouted my own assortment of sprouts. I drank alfalfa tea and preferred mineral water with a sprig of mint and a twist of lemon to sodas. These choices were natural to me. I didn't grow up on biscuits and gravy, sugar laden breakfast cereals and spaghetti. We ate very healthful and my mother used a juicer and grew herbs and veggies in her garden, encouraging me to pick the veggies and eat them right there on the spot. She taught me about eating seasonally and that when the chickens aren't laying, don't eat eggs. My dad preferred barley to rice, multigrain homemade bread to store bought, and honey to sugar. Nutritionally, I grew up blessed.


So when the nurse did my bone density test, she did it over again exclaiming that she had never seen the numbers so high on someone my age. My bones were 55% denser than another person my age has. I have never broken a bone and to this day, have no arthritis, despite my aches and pains sometimes. She congratulated me and went on to Pat's results…she was well below acceptable limits and needed to supplement her diet with green, calcium rich vegetables, exercise more and definitely stop smoking. She said she'd never do that and the nurse became somber.


In 1990 when I was 35 years old, I had a tumultuous relationship that I was quite addicted to, I was recovering from a thirty day ordeal in 1986 (whereupon my daughter and myself had been held against our will in Los Angeles by a stranger) I was disgustingly highly compassionate, a nurturer and at times an enabler; I had a very hard to raise daughter and I was feeling a detachment from my own self. Out of fear of loneliness, I didn't do the right thing and get rid of the Klingon boyfriend yet, and I didn't keep as close of an eye on my fifteen year old daughter. I was not over grieving for my deceased mother and brother. My live-in boyfriend, Gary, was making life difficult on top of everything else by maintaining a kinda secret telephone relationship with other women, and I had such a tangled mess of my life I couldn't even begin to straighten out. My sister was going through a personal mess of her own and was detached from me, my brother whom I loved had passed away. So a lot of my life fell apart. My daughter continued her disrespect; Gary, who was not only OCD but had Tourette's Syndrome, was driving me mad. So what did I do? I married him, and shut out the rest of the world. I Shut Down.


To keep him active I urged him to become a truck driver. Gary had worked at Mc Donnell Douglas Aircraft in Long Beach, CA for the past 25 years, which is where we had met, but decided to quit his position to follow me across country. How do you tell someone to get lost, when he absolutely will not contribute to the relationship? So he went through driving school and went on the road. My daughter moved out and I was left with a rental in a Godforsaken part of the country, so I climbed into the truck with Gary for a year. The benefit to me was that I didn't have to worry about where to live…we had the truck! And as long as the wheels turned, there was an income. After a year of truckstop life and seeing the country, I set up an apartment in Phoenix where his company was headquartered and my daughter pretty much had the apartment to herself. I became the daughter and she became the mother. At sixteen, she had a live-in boyfriend, was attending Bryman School full time and working at Walgreen's. And then there was the miscarriage when I held my tiny grandson in the palm of my hand after scooping him out of the toilet, wanting to rush him and his mother to the emergency in hopes of maybe saving his life. Realizing it was best for me to go back out in the big rig to avoid creating a huge rift between my daughter and myself, I came by the apartment every month, often staying for a week. My daughter and her boyfriend had use of my insured, paid for pick-up truck, had a free place to live and they didn't have to worry about parents. Boy, that was bliss for any teenager. Like I said, she was very hard to deal with and I feared losing her as a permanent runaway when she was fourteen, so I gave in to her demands for the next three years. I gave up my horse, my job and went on the road for another year to try to get to know my husband of just a few months, a little better. We ate at truckstops and Waffle Houses and since he was always on the run to make that coveted $18,000 a year income, and most of it went home to the daughter and boyfriend, even though they both held down jobs, we ate once a day. Usually chicken fried steak, loads of sausage gravy, baked potato with sour cream and real butter and salad bar with all the creamy dressings. Or I indulged from the buffet. Food became my lover, my best friend. Always there, always ready to make you feel better. Glorious Food.


To ride on a big truck back then, you had to have a blood pressure within reasonable limits. After the first year out on the road, m8iine ballooned to 170/90 and I was told that I could not ride on the truck until my bp was within a better range. I stayed in the apartment in Phoenix much to my demise. My daughter and her boyfriend moved out upon her graduation (I was not invited), they left the truck in need of major repairs in the parking lot and bought a Nissan at a Buy Here Pay Here lot and emptied my bank account. Of course, it didn't help my bp. So I was off the truck, and my husband ran into the arms of his old girlfriends, free of my scrutiny. I hung onto him because he didn't drink or smoke, but he was addicted to porn in private (once while cleaning out his big rig, I was shocked to find Burt Reynold's Playgirl centerfold taped on his sun visor as well as other provocative pictures of men torn from magazines) , and had known women all over the country (they had the nerve to call the house) he claimed were interested in Amsoil, a direct marketing opportunity, and despite his proclamation that he is a Born Again Christian he professed he was above any cheating. In fact, many disagreements were about my distrust of him, but he refused to cooperate with the times I had served him with dissolution papers. The more I wanted him out, the more he pushed to stay.


So I physically left him and in 1992, first to stay on a piece of property I had bought sight unseen from an ad in Mother Earth News, then headed east to Virginia, staying at a friend's house until I found one of my own, the next month. My weight had steadily rose to 230 and stayed there for the most part. The gravy disappeared and the husband stayed out on the road and only came home a few days a year. My daughter decided to stop all communications with me in 1993, threatening a court order if I ignored her demands. She had moved in with me in 1992 to flee her now "bad marriage", nearly nine months pregnant with my first 'live' grandson, lived with me for a year with her new baby and then decided to move out and marry a local boy with a family who said they wanted her to be the daughter they never had. So I shut down even further, watched the OJ Simpson trial religiously, drew the blinds and hoarded 63 cats in a townhouse in Northern Virginia, along with six giant dogs, twelve ferrets and anything else that needed love and care. And great food. I worked part time, had my husbands' income to live on, showed dogs and cats and made one friend, Stephanie, who gently and kindly put my severely derailed self back on track, helped me rehome almost all the cats, sold the dogs and ferrets and showed me some rays of hope. I had even taken in a family of opossums. I was so keen on hiding my spiraling out of control self that I even managed to successfully pass three environmental health inspections during those five dark years, attesting to my good housekeeping skills. Stephanie was my angel in disguise. With the help of another very long time friend, I returned to California in 1999 to start anew, working for Doris Day at her home in Carmel, CA to care for her own addictions (twelve dogs) and at Cat's Cradle cat sanctuary, another woman for whom I cared for her 360 cats in Pacific Grove, California. I also was housekeeper to an RN who lived in Pacific Grove who was over 500 lbs. She introduced me to Andreas Bocelli in a sad way. Each day she played his music and cried for her self to return. So did Doris and the other woman I cared for grieve over the fact of having lost themselves because of their good hearts and desires to please. With a new horse, new saddle and no husband to depend on me, I decided to let myself be influenced by a friend who had been successful with the Atkins diet.


Between 2000 and 2005 I was an Atkins diet fan because of the considerable weight loss I experienced and continued my technical riding training. I was very strict until 2003 when I began modifying it to include any vegetable that was green. I felt great, filed for a divorce again and this time followed it through to the Final Decree in 2005. Life became stable and relatively enjoyable. My weight remained firm at 200 lbs and I wore a size 12/14 for many years to follow. I exercised heavily and was very fit and felt great! But then again, my cravings for Chinese fast food took over (damn that Panda Express!!) and the weight began to creep on again very slowly. I threw away the scale and let my clothes be the guide.


I had experienced excellent, trouble-free health up until 2006 when a doctor discovered a small breast lump during a routine mid-menopausal exam. She ordered umpteen billion blood tests including estrogen and thyroid, and also ordered a mammogram. Weight-wise I was considered morbidly obese at 230. Since I had continually been an extremely physical person and far exceeded any strength testing for someone my age because of strenuous training in equestrian arts and grooming eight or more dogs a day, the doctor said for me not to take the height weight charts too seriously. It claimed I should weigh between 145-165 pounds. I weighed 128 lbs. when I became pregnant with my daughter in 1974. When I delivered a healthy 8 lb. 1 oz. baby in 1975, I weighed 160 lbs. and within a month resumed a weight of 147 lbs. which was well accepted for my five foot nine frame. I fairly maintained that range until I was thirty five, where I stopped the regular hard physical activity, and rose to 170 lbs. I wore a size twelve in jeans and a medium to large in top and enjoyed great health otherwise. My weight was directly affected by my level of strenuous activity. When the activity ceased and I continued to eat like a quarterback, the weight crept on. So I tried another concept…don't exercise strenuously, or nearly at all, and go back to the Atkins Plan. I lost muscle and little weight, and definitely lost strength. I was also feeling as though my blood pressure was going up again and my stamina was not there. I was taking up to three 250 mg. of plain aspirin three or more times a day to ease the headaches and general malaise. I attributed it to my very active lifestyle.


The small breast lump grew to a great size in a short amount of time and in the fall of 2010, it went from barely detectable to quite visibly the size of an egg in three days time. Not good. I called Virginia Commonwealth University Medical Center and discussed making an appointment. They relayed my inquiry to the Massey Cancer Center for an appointment. My soul hit an all time low. Especially when at that initial appointment at Massey Cancer Center, I stepped on the scales and weighed in at 267 lbs. I said I'm carrying two large bags of dog food with me all the time. The nurse said that was also making my blood pressure 214/197 and because of my level of activity, I'm building muscle to carry all that weight. The muscle weighs more. I was also told I was about 30% water weight. Boy what a mess...Charles held my hand and told me that he loves me. That day, I was slammed big time. The anasthesiologist considered my weight at 270 for the amount of sedatives to put me under, and it took a month the first time to wear off all the horrible effects of it, the second surgery I was hospitalized for twenty days afterwards, and the third surgery I mentioned this to the new anasthesiologist and she used a different 'concoction' during surgery. Aftrer seven hours under the knife, I was discharged after just an hour in recovery. It still took five months to recover at home, but it was a dramatic difference. I had been literally walking around poisoned for the past eighteen months. during recoveries, it was all I could do to stay awake and spent much time sleeping.


The breast cancer journey is a story into itself. Just like an airplane ride, everyone has a different experience. I've been mad, sad, glad, bad, happy, elated, hurt, scorned, dumped, welcomed and not in a normal sense. All feelings have been elevated. My daughter who is now approaching her late thirties decided to reconnect with me in a  prescribed way. Her Way. Detached and distant. I found out she has three children, one who is attending a university. I call her children 'her children' because they are not in a sense, my grandchildren. Last year, when I met her middle son while looking quite disheveled in the hospital just an hour out of a seven hour surgery, I was elated. He promised to friend me on facebook and they left after an informal photo session, probably so he can have a picture of his mothers' mother before she died, and can say that he had "met me".


So after three surgeries for breast cancer, the last one malignant but with a clean score afterwards, a lopsided body and weight that has stabilized just under 280 (man! That is such a huge number!!) and a very strange, fairly platonic marriage (my masectomy scars grossed Charles out), I took up the art of baking and cooking like it was going out of style. The scale rusted so I threw it away so I don't have a clue what I weigh, but I am limited in clothes and they are wearing out, so I have to get it together and re-do my body so I'll have something to wear! I thought to myself that if I sink much lower, I'll just give up and die, and everything that means anything to me will probably go to the person Charles decides to let into his life, and I certainly don't want that. I think I'll live a long life, cancer-free and outlive all these animals because the thought of someone else riding my horses or loving on my ponies just makes my hair stand on end. Ha!


So I did a lot of research to decide which diet I can live with to lose 100 lbs. Yep. Thirty pounds I can do pretty easily. Fifty pounds might be a little rough going, and I have not been able to break the 200 lb. barrier for over a decade. I also thought about the health benefits…obviously lower blood pressure, a diet that will ward off any further cancerous issues, especially colon, liver, stomach, pancreas. Lessens the chance of heart disease. Lessens the chance of diabetes. No back pains in the future, little chance of hip replacement or knee replacement, and I like how I feel when I can get all this excess poundage off of me. It's like unloading those two fifty pound dog food bags and leaving them far behind. Maybe I'll get that breast reconstruction and not be lopsided anymore. Maybe I'll like myself again. I think so. Okay, diet. Here we go.


January 14, 2012
Day One
Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner:  Cabbage-celery soup. I cut up a whole cabbage head and a bunch of celery, added water to cover, about two Tb. of No-Salt salt replacement, 1 T of garlic powder, 1 T of onion powder, caraway seeds and a half a large chicken bullion cube.
Drinks:  Constant Comfort tea and a quart of water.
Total calories for day 80.


January 15, 2012
Day Two
Breakfast & Lunch:  Cabbage-celery soup
Dinner:  Mixed iceberg lettuce with red cabbage and a few carrot slivers with balsamic vinegar.
Drink:  I drank water and 1 quart of unsweetened peach tea, cold. I had soup all during the day, and made more for the next day.
Total calories for day 160.


January 16, 2012
Day Three
Breakfast: Cabbage-celery soup, a small orange, iceberg lettuce salad with one 6 oz. can of tuna (always packed in water).
Lunch: Iceberg lettuce salad with a four ounce grilled chicken breast.
Dinner: Cabbage-celery soup, and salad with balsamic vinegar.
Total calories for day 478. Whoa! I need to cut back! LOL!! Call Overeaters Anonymous!


January 17, 2012
Day Four
Breakfast: Cabbage-celery soup
Lunch: Cabbage-celery soup, ½ small gala apple with cinnamon sprinkled on it, one six ounce can of tuna, iceberg salad with balsamic vinegar, 3 ounces of Krab with lemon and ½ of a steamed zucchini with 1 T of basil pesto without cheese or pinenuts.
Dinner: Cabbage soup, iceberg salad with balsamic vinegar.
Total calories for day 287.


Six days left of this induction phase to get the pounds off.
In between meals I'm having Constant Comment or Diet peach tea, water or nibbling on a cabbage leaf. Yes, I'm hungry in the middle of the night and what do you think I do? More cabbage-celery soup!!
Next few days will be more cabbage-celery soup. I ran out of cabbage and celery and have to have Charles get some for me tonight on his way home.



January 25, 2012
So this is Day uhhhhh...ELEVEN!
Pretty much same food for the last six days. My clothes are hanging on me differently, I haven't been taking my regular aspirin dose like candy, and I have a generally better outlook because I have control over some aspect of my future. Charles is terribly supportive, making sure that I have cabbage, celery and Krab or chicken breasts readily available. I have been faithful to the diet, have not cheated one bit and am increasing my celery consumption. I have found a new way to continue my love for food, and it is through more herbs and spices, more showcasing vegetables and remembering to use meats as a seasoning. I still dream of barbecued pork or beef and my to-die-for deep fried battered chicken breasts. And I fantasize about certain chinese buffets and Golden Corral. Those places and foods are not never never land, but saved for special occasions or those once evey three month celebrations.

I've made it this far, and I know I can make it to six months. I've done it before and I have the fabulous clothes to prove it. And I know that I may well fail in a year or two, but that's OK. No more beating myself up and shutting out the world because of my depression due to food addiction. I am trying to believe that I am loved and wanted by someone other than four legged critters. It still feels very foreign to claim self love and forgivness. I equate that to being selfish, and I abhorr selfish, self-centered people. But maybe what I really dislike is when people USE themselves for OTHERS to complement because of their own lack of self esteem. Not going to worry about that, going to just worry about myself and my health. And Friday is payday and I'm buying a scale!

January 30, 2012
I have completed TWO WEEKS!!!
Well, payday came and went and I decided not to buy a scale yet. My clothes are hanging on me much looser and my outlook is good. Charles and I went on an hour hike along our trail in the woods and took three dogs with us. They didn't stay close but found their shortcuts and had a great time. I usually don't follow the whole trail and turn back 1/4 of the way, but yesterday I decided to go the whole trail and it was a lot of fun. I'm still just eating cabbage-celery soup, very green salad and about 5-7 oz. of meat or fish a day. My favorite ring does not fit yet, but I'll ge there. My mobility is better and I even ran a little yesterday which is something I haven't done in a while. I'm not taking aspirin anymore except when I really really need it, so my blood pressure MUST be good! I know I've lost a lot of water in my system and maybe even correct any damage done to any vital organs. I don't want to go thru the agony of cancer surgeries anymore and that's the fire that's chasing me. I still take full care of all the animals, morning feeding at 7:30 am and evening between 4:30 and five pm. Doing it in less time too.

February 8, 2012
Last Saturday, Charles had most of the day off and we decided to go to an agriculture/farm supply store in Petersburg to get a few items. In preparation, I had three 8 oz. bowls of cabbage soup, a very green salad and some tuna. This was at five am. I figured we'd return home and I could resume my salad and soup. The store opened at 7:30 so we stopped by his work so he could finish some paperwork. I had an extra large coffee with Splenda, and a bottle of water while I waited. We then went up to the ag store, perused the aisles, made our purchase and left. charles asked if I wanted to go to a few favorite thrift stores and I jumped on the opportunity to search for a few books, which is a passion we both share. After two thrift store stops, I was running out of steam and yet I wanted to go to Michael's craft store and Petsmart. I dragged myself through the two stores half-heartedly as I was famished. We finished shopping and I said to Charles that I have got to get something to eat as I was feeling faint. He suggested that I make this day my reward day as he was hungry too and we decided to go to Golden Corral as they had many vegetable choices and while I was blowing the calories, I could make healthy choices, so in we went.

I first tackled the salad bar and had a big plate of field greens, celery and just vinegar for dressing. Nothing with any sauces or binders. I then had cauliflower both raw and steamed, broccoli, italian green beans, boiled cabbage, brussels sprouts, baked fish with some salsa, baked chicken breast and a small portion of steak. That's it! I never ate bread or desserts, or potatoes anyway, so I don't miss them. I did however return for more fish as I am a fish addict...I lingered over the onion rings, but resisted. Charles congratulated me for my choices, we ate and left. later at home, I had a bowl of cabbage soup. Over the weekend, my weight didn't increase, but I didn't lose anymore either. As an added bonus, on Friday I wore a pair of jeans I had not been able to get into for over a year. They are a little snug, but not tight. I was glad!

On Monday, I weighed 1.4 pounds less. Cabbage soup, very green salad, shredded broccoli salad, 4 oz. of chicken for whole day. I also bought a Cuisinart coffee maker and made delicious brewed San Francisco Fog Lifter coffee. I had 45 calories worth of creamer and Splenda.

On Tuesday, I weighed 1.8 pounds less. I was hungry and had more than my usual helpings of cabbage soup, and had 8 oz. of chicken (two different 4 oz. portions) with steamed greens, like a wrap without the tortilla. Enjoyed coffee during the day, and measured the same amount of creamer and Splenda.

Today is Wednesday and I weighed 1.3 pounds less than the previous day. Total weight loss is approaching 30 lbs. since the beginning on January 18th. Those previously tight jeans are more comfortable! I had quite a bit of cabbage soup again, two very green salads one with 5 oz. of imitation crab. Dinner will consist of kale, parsley, Bok Choy and garlic with maybe tuna for variety. Have not drank enough water the last few days though, but sure am enjoying the coffee iced during the day!

I am coming up with some very innovative recipes with limited ingredients. The ONLY veggies I am eating is field green mix, iceberg lettuce, romaine lettuce, kale, cabbage, bok choy, parsley, cilantro, mustard greens, turnip greens, turnips, cauliflower, broccoli, fresh basil, garlic, mushroom and celery. In very measured amounts I am having red onion on occasion. I bought a bag of sweet peppers that are six for 40 calories. I have stuffed poblano peppers. For seasoning, I use garlic powder, minced garlic, chili powder, paprika, No Salt, pepper, Garam Masala, turmeric, sage, dill, celery seed, basil, mustard (spicy brown), vinegar, sparing amounts of canola oil, lime juice and lemon juice. I have a tablespoon of plain yogurt with flax seeds on it every morning. I had half a ruby grapefruit on my salad the other day and it was heaven! I buy the flavored waters at WalMart, especially love the coconut-pineapple one! I take a half a chicken breast, fresh, and slice it into thirds. My other meats can be fresh fish, canned fish, imitation crab, a four ounce hamburger patty well done, or Buddig's deli meats 90 calories a package. I can make a cupcake shaped meat loaf that is made with ground turkey and veggies! I also consider avocado to be in the meat group.

So I have lots of variety in my diet. Later on I can add a slice of homemade pumpernickel bread or 1/4 cup of steamed barley, but not yet. I can grind oats and use that as a crunchy option on meat patties. I can stuff a tomato with fish and grill it! And once a month, I will have a guilt-free eating day available to me.

Thursday February 9, 2012
Last night was not a good one. Charles worked a different shift and came home at a little after 9 pm. I was in bed reading and the house was quiet. Charles left two of the dogs out of the bedroom, that always sleep under the covers. the littlest one was very distraught over being shut out, and I asked him to please let her in. Charles said he would when he got up to have a cigarette. In an hour that felt like eternity, I again asked him to please let her in and he again said he would later on. Beretta was pleading to be let in and I could not take upsetting her anymore, so I let the two dogs in and they lay on their blankets. Charles then got up and had his cigarette in the bathroom, and brought an armful of beers and sat them down on his nightstand. He had some kind of an unkind statement for me, and I ignored him somehow and pulled the blanket over my head and over Beretta, went to sleep and was later awakened by his alarm and subsequent snooze alarms that usually go on for another hour until he gets up at 3:30 am. he finally got up and I reminded him to take the grain out of the car. He said he wasn't stupid, got dressed and left for work. I did hear him unloaad the grain before he left.

I got out of bed just before sunrise and let the bedroom dogs out to pee. I checked on the goats and noticed signs that one was miscarrying, so I got a towel and went on a hunt for newborns. I found them and they were a month early so there was no chance for survival. They were the size of Chihuahuas; each a perfectly formed male and female kid. I then went back inside and had some cabbage-celery soup before checking the nights' e-mails and Facebook status updates. One was quite nasty so I deleted it and blocked her. I had sold her a very beautiful horse in 2008 for a very good price because she seemed like a perfect fit for this filly. She was a frustrated event competitor and was looking for an upgrade. My 17.2hh grey Thoroughbresd filly was an outstanding prospect and I reluctantly sold her. Recently, I friended this woman on Facebook to catch up on this filly, and I found no mention of her at all. In fact, I was dismayed to read that she had had several other horses during the past two years, all who had died or become disabled. naturally, I was concerned for Spook so I posted "...So what happened to the beautiful filly I had sold you?" I had known she had wrongly trained her (too much too fast) and had hired a very bad farrier who had made her lame at one point. So I posted on Facebook that I regret finding out about horses I had sold and vowed to never sell another horse or dog again (as I cannot handle bad news about a horse), or something to that effect. I never mentioned names. I had sold four horses at that time, and not one of them had a happy ending. This last bit of information threw me over the edge.

The woman sent me another very insulting response which had untruthful allegations, I realize she was being defensive as she had been caught red handed in neglect. She claimed that the filly had severe navicular disease, had been retired and then had cancer throughout her entire body so she was euthanized. A second more strongly worded e-mail made suggestions that I was somehow to blame and increased the amount of horses I had owned way out of proportion, obviously to make her more correct in her own mind. Naturally, I was wanting to fight back, but decided to block her off Facebook and try to get myself back on track.

I then very carefully began rebuilding my thought process. I had responsibilities here and could not let this affect me. I wanted to have some real food very badly at that instant and fought off temptation. I had two bowls of cabbage soup and then some Fog Lifter coffee. I was engaged in a battle with myself and my wills. I felt myself sinking and becoming despondent. I wanted a hamburger from Sonic. Charles called and told me that he'll be getting only 75% of his quarterly bonus this time because he was 0.02% below "their" numbers, even though he is up 47% in sales and net profit overall. I told him about the does' miscarriage, he pretty much dissed it. Later on he called and apologized for my bad morning. He never wants details of my life but expects me to comiserate details of his.

So now the day has trudged by, I got though the perils of the morning and am back on track. The doe is better, the animals are all fine. Charles is well, and I didn't cheat with food for an emotional reason. I feel that a journey with weight loss is not just about the food. Its also about how I am dealing with the pressures that got me here in the first place. It's not even noon, and I have the rest of the day to enjoy.
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Monday February 13, 2012
Day 26 of Diet!!

So! Here I am, it's Monday February 13th and approaching a full month on this diet. I knew I shouldn't have bought the scale. I've already threatened to kill it...or maybe it's defective. Or haunted. But something is definitely wrong with it. (See how I didn't say wrong with me?) On Saturday, Charles and I were having a great discussion about kale (!!!) and he said he can definitely tell the diet is working. Now whether he is lying or not, I don't know, but bless him for being an encouraging male. So Sunday morning he says to me "Get on the scale and let's see where you're at." I said no, I ONLY weigh myself at 5 am. Period. He says so what did you weigh this morning? I said 261.2 pounds. I chortle about how I'm losing up to a pound a day lately. Actually, the weight has been stalled at 260-262 for the past few days. He says get on the scale. I comply. The frickin' scale weighed me in at 265.6 pounds!!!! Charles and I just stared at each other expressionless, and then he went on to talking about work. I said wait a minute...somethings wrong. He jumps on the two faced scale and he weighs in at 190.2 pounds. I said its not fair. He can eat pizza, mayo, cheese, even chocolate frosting right out of the can and the scale stays the same. I feel down, mad, sad, furious, envious, jealous all at once. So what if he's twenty five years younger than me and has slender genetics. So I drink a glass of water and stare out the window wondering if I'll ever get into those tiny little riding breeches and continue my riding. My eyes get a little misty, feeling defeat and frustration. Then I start thinking, what in Hell am I doing at my age trying to be all stunning and light on my feet again...and then Charles began.

"You know, that dressage trainer who was short listed for the Olympics...Susan Peacock, and what about Lendon Grey. THEY are big girls and are confident about their riding." Charles remarks. Oh wonderful. Let's compare star atheletes with me. I do know them personally, and they are women who could care less what other people think of them. I. Care.

"Yes, but I look at them and am not impressed. It's impossible to be overweight and become one with their horse, and besides they ride fat horses to complement their gigantic behinds!" I said. "I want to be atleast where I was ten years ago. Or even two years ago."

I know what it's like to feel trim and sexy. I don't feel that way. I feel dense. Not fat, just not how I need to feel. I will feel that way at 220 pounds and then be active enough to slip another 20 pounds off. It's the "below 200 pounds" that will be the most difficult and I realize that. And also I want to be healthy and not have that sick pallor I see on some overweight people. I am an excellent equestrienne with a lot of talent and skills. I have paid tens of thousands to get me where I finally wanted to be with my horses and now I'm just a big waste! Or is it waist...

I am still basically eating the same foods as I have been and not increasing the quantities of meat, fish or chicken. I have limited myself to 4-6 oz. of animal protein a day and have stayed in that fairly well. The jury is still out on avocado being counted as a protein, fat or vegetable even though it is a fruit. I've also had two ruby grapefruits on seperate days. Still not weighing portions, but am pretty close in guesstimations. I've added napa cabbage and large chile peppers such as the delicious Poblamo chile, and 1 oz. of cheese on rare occasions. Also have had two eggs, on separate days this past week, microwaved in a bowl with no oil.

One item I may see as the culprit is red wine. It is a good alcohol, but I think as it has done in the past, it is a reason why the weight loss suddenly stalls. It is a sugar. So I'm gonna try something different and limit my wine intake and change my alcohol of choice to a clear one such as vodka, tequila or 100 proof moonshine, straight. It'll take less to get the desired effect. This change of regimen will begin tonight. I drink about 16 oz. of red wine nightly. It will change to harder liquor and limit to about 8 oz. a night. I had to do this on the Atkins Diet and it made a difference.

Some accounts will identify me as heading towards anorexia or some sort of eating disorder label. I was already chastised on a forum for promoting anorexia by describing low calorie meals. I find that ridiculous. I don't have a problem with food or eating. I just want to be trimmer and wear a 10 or 12 again. I also want to be lighter before I have breast reconstruction because they will definitely make a mess out of things and give me a fat persons breast. I will then become so depressed I may never recover. Having only one breast is better than having a wreck of a chest. Some days I sleep with layers of baggy clothes on. I definitely have body awareness issues. I am positively horrified with my scar. That is another whole issue.

So I believe I will make my 30 Day Goal of losing 30 pounds. Even with the evil, wicked scale who is deceiving me lately, I have five days in which to stabilize and hopefully drop another five pounds. Then onward to the next thirty pounds that will be leaving by April 18 when my goal is to reach 230 pounds. Final goal is in two stages...210 pounds by May 30, 2012 and 195 by the Fourth of July. Stay tuned!
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Saturday February 18, 2012
30 Days

The Magic Moment has arrived...thirty days. The morning began with cramps in both thighs and a feeling that I was melting away. Forcefully manipulating my legs to the floor, navigating through a Standard Poodle on the bed who at 3 am does.not.move, and a Belgian Malinois on the floor beside me, and a way too happy Miniature Pinscer, I jumped around like a jumping jack cursing the pain in my thigh. A few minutes later of thrashing about and I was sound enough to put on my rubber boots sans socks, make it to the bathroom, as I let myself out to pee before the dogs. Returning to the bedroom to leash up the Malinois, we then did our duty and turn on the space heater in the kitchen. I then took off my boots and stepped on the scale. It read 256.4 pounds. five pounds less than Monday, in five days. I've been consuming the same items, except I've made a few pots of Oxtail soup which I've become nearly addicted to, and spinach wraps without any bready wrap. I use cabbage! That bottle of 100 proof corn liquor lasted me about a week, but I definitely need to increase the water intake. It's nearly zero. And I'm drinking a pot of coffee with Splenda and extra creamy creamer a day.

I have a confession to make.

The last time I officially stepped on a scale before embarking on this change in my life was at the Massey Cancer Center in Richmond for my post operative check-up in August 2011. My weight was 278. A few jokes were made about my blood pressure. I vowed to detach myself from these numbers, but it threw me into a depressed state. I was fear motivated. My husband was in an uncomfortable "place" at work where many women were pursuing him because he had told them about my 'illness' and they were hoping I was soon on my deathbed. I knew that. He became estranged, drank heavier than usual, became detached from me and home, and threw himself into work often working 100 hours a week. He also declared celebacy and slept in his clothes and refused to talk to me. That was how he copes. I was left alone, neglected and virtually stranded. Our church forsaked us, my friends stayed away and our home was severely suffering. My horses stressed and became quite thin because I had no help in caring for them. I am certain my weight ballooned to close to 290 because my clothes told the truth. The physical fights between my husband and I increased with severity. One of us had to change. So I did. And I still am. And I am not allowing anyone to control me or my life just because I was weak and not able to control my life. And yet I still am filled with love and compassion for those who don't care for me...go figure. We still sleep clinging on opposing edges of the bed, but I think we aren't going to kill each other. He's confessed the stress he is under at work with so many local women pressuring him to 'come over and visit sometime', and up to five phone numbers slipped into his hand daily. He has to deal with his own demons and not by abusing me or drinking from the minute he enters the door after work or by spending his days off being intoxicated and emotionally vacant to me. I'm busy dealing with my own demons.

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March 18, 2012
2nd month Anniversary today

It's been a difficult month is some ways, and easier in others. I've slipped off the diet wagon a few times because of one reason or another but I have not gained any of the weight I've lost. Today, officially my weight was 252.2 pounds, which means only a loss of two pounds in the last month, but my clothes tell a story of weight loss as some literally are hanging off me. I must admit that the first month was probably more of a starvation thing because I ws so anxious to lose the weight, but then the skin was also getting a little saggy and I decided to slow down and let the skin catch up. Right now, I am having my concentration being interrupted by a dog I took in to rehab, wondering if I have dealt with my daughter so severely with an e-mail that I will never hear from her again, and the need to get some things done around here before the weather changes and Charles takes advantage of the situation by popping some beers, which annoys the heck outta me, among some other things (I'm gonna KILL a dog...). I'd better get to the items on the list before I become internally agitated. I'll write tomorrow.

March 20, 2012
I don't know why I stepped on the scale this morning...habit? But I was pleasantly surprised with the numbers 250.2 so I won't complain! I pondered if my goal for weighing in at 230 on April 18 is realistic. well, I'll give it a shot. I slept fairly well, was not disrupted by anything inside or outside and everything is moving along good. Charles has an interview on Thursday for a much desired employment change, and soon we will be sowing seeds in the garden. I've been doing some major house re-arranging and cleaning. Today I have four loads of laundry to do and some material to rake for the mulch bin. All the dogs are napping so I think I'll sneak in the kitchen and make a pot of coffee. I already had two bowls of cabbage soup and will most likely be having kale and some bacon for lunch today. Brrr...its chilly!!

September 17, 2012
Six months have passed. Somewhere along the way, in April I reached a low weight of 242 lbs and felt great. Then all hell broke loose in my life. Somewhere I made a lot of enemies and I don't know how. Charles and I had two very serious altercations where I felt like I had to call the police. Big mistake for me because the fines he was charged had to come out of my household budget. He made the anticipated job change and is the Man of the Hour at work. He was away for training since May and is now on the top deck of his store, working 14+ hours a day. I, in the meantime dealt with every thing here at the farm, lived through 100+ degree summer heat, accidentally dropped a board on one of my chickens and she died in my arms, and tried to keep everything alive here at the farm - alone. I lost several goats and two alpacas this year. I've had a lot of interesting things to cope with that would be unbelievable for most people to deal with, so I don't even mention the incidents to anyone. So as of this writing my weight is at 267 lbs. I became a pizza-holic over the summer, and have not adhered to the diet. It's the dry salami meats and the cheese...I'm a savory person. I still have no hot water other than boiling it or putting a stock tank heater in water. I repurposed my water caching system, so I have to remake one with the rain gutters and all. My relationship with my daughter and her family is seriously down the tubes. I need a great big eraser and wipe out this whole mess and start anew.

January 14, 2013
So much to catch up on...four months later and it has been a huge change. I seriously cannot believe it has been only four months since the last entry. Feels like eternity...weight wise, I am at 262.7 lbs. which is not that bad, and I can continue the diet now and lose the remaining 50-60 lbs. to reach the old goal of hovering around 200 lbs. I did it before and I can do it again, and guess what?? I feel confident I can do it because I have eliminated a lot of toxic waste in my life.